My Dad Had A Stroke ...

Dad has passed...

2009-03-04T08:46:00.002-05:00

Although Dad passed last night, it wasn't a tragedy. It was a relief. He would have hated to see himself in the last two years of his life. I hope, a relief now for Mom who has shed at least 10 years dealing with the difficulties. He is in a better place. The last two years was not his life. I said my goodbye some time ago. I went to visit the shell of his former self. Last night, he was at rest. He looked peaceful. He looked relieved.

Thank you...

2008-10-29T17:57:00.002-04:00

Time has come to officially end the blog. It's now very hard to see Dad on a regular basis, which makes it even harder when I do go to see him. I get depressed for days after seeing him in his condition. I only hope God will take him in a kind manner and soon. It is a selfish request, but one that I know he would have wanted. He is gone. I need to move on. Mom still holds on to hope. She doesn't say it, but she still hopes. Someday, I'll look back on the experiences of the last few years and see how I've grown and matured because of it. I hope I can one day speak about Grandpa to Daughter without crumbling in hurt. I hope for a day that he doesn't enter my mind and I don't feel shame for not being able to do something, to have saved him.

State of cleanliness...

2008-07-13T18:32:00.002-04:00

The home where Dad is living is under intense scrutiny. It is a franchise, one of the largest in this province. Because of issues at another facility, everything is being reviewed. All patients are now out of bed and being visually monitored by the nursing station. Dad used to get out of bed around 11:30pm, now he's out by 9:30am. The feeling of the building has changed. Staff are very aware of visitors and of potential problems.

I haven't seen Dad for a month or more. I just haven't been able to. Or made myself. I've pushed him further from me. But I haven't stopped thinking about him. Everyday. And Mom, too. Even while on vacation I thought of him. It doesn't ever stop. It hurts so much that I try to make myself numb. I try to stop feeling, but I can't.

Am I just a fu**ing asshole?

2008-05-16T21:44:00.002-04:00

I have to ask myself if I'm acting like a total asshole. Why do I feel like my Mother should thank me when her life has been turned upside down? Crap. Why are we so dysfunctional? It's not just me, it's everyone. We're all messed up. I want to sleep so badly now, for several days.

Happy Mother's Day...

2008-05-11T11:57:00.002-04:00

Although Mom doesn't want to speak to me right now, I'll wish her a Happy Mother's Day this way. It's been very difficult maintaining any kind of positive relationship with my Mother over the past few years. Because of the way she handles the stress, she make it difficult if not impossible for people to support her over a long period of time. She's more than kind to the support workers at the nursing home and the various hospital. A little thank you goes a long way. It energizes you and makes the little annoyances disappear.

So, Happy Mother's Day. I hope even though you have much to deal with, you can find some positive things in your life.

I wish I knew...

2008-05-08T21:31:00.001-04:00

Time seems to pass so quickly. At times. We're in the midst of Spring, Summer is just around the corner. Time does pass so quickly. And yet, when I'm visiting Dad, time stands still. I watch him sleep for the most part. I watch him squirm in his wheelchair. I watch him. 30 minutes is forever, 60 minutes is an eternity. I can't wait to leave. I can't wait to go. I can't watch him like this much more. Where is my Dad? Where is he?

My Dad's spirit is dead. My Dad passed away from me. Only the body remains. A crumbling body. A body that should have succumbed months ago. A body that doesn't know it is time to go home. It's a lost body, looking for it's soul. You have served as a vessel for many years. You deserve a rest. You deserve to be reunited with your soul.

At the hospital for tests...

2008-05-05T08:53:00.001-04:00

Dad needs to have a few tests done to see why his hemoglobin is low. Even though the home upped the iron levels, it's still on the low side.
The home doesn't do the test ans leaves it to the family to take the person to the hospital. Mom did not want to go by herself. I took the day off work and drove in this morning.

She was all panicked when I arrived to get her. We got Dad into the wheelchair taxi at the home. Got him to the hospital and in true fashion, we sit ans wait.

Dad lools like a body without spirit. He has no life in his eyes, and when you does manage to look, his eyes are vacant.

This is my father and this is what's become of my Mother's life.

Painfree babysitting...

2008-04-22T21:44:00.002-04:00

How long will a pain free babysitting gig last? Two days. Brother gave Mom the old one-two. Yelling at her because she needs to take Dad to the hospital for tests next week. I warned her he would do this. Where is his wife in all of this? Oh yeah, she goes to work while he does nothing. My parents were so good to her and then she turns around and does nothing to help them. She and Brother deserve each other. Mom doesn't get it, they will continue to take advantage of her, pushing her around. And she's willing to take it.

Only want help when needed...

2008-04-20T21:07:00.002-04:00

Brother and his wife asked Mom to babysit the kids. Seems their babysitter is going away for an extended absence. Mom said she would commit for 3 weeks. No mention of payment, no offer, no request. She has to take the bus there or walk. I told her that if brother disrespects her, she should stop immediately. It's all going to explode.

I haven't gone to see Dad in the last few weeks. I've either had to work or we've been really busy. I have a day off owing, maybe I'll take a trip in.

Weddings...

2008-03-16T13:40:00.002-04:00

Partner and I went to a wedding last night. It could have been daughter's 15 years from now. The sad part is, I don't think Dad or Mom will be there. I can't imagine Dad alive in 5 years time, but you never know. He survived what I though would have been his last days and weeks. I'm not sure about Mom, does she have the will to want to go on?

Is anyone there...

2008-03-10T16:17:00.002-04:00

Dad doesn't know when or who's been to visit. I know Mom was there the day before, but he doesn't remember. What is going on in his mind? He sits and looks, soon to fall asleep. He doesn't speak. If he does, it's only on word here and there. Perhaps you'll get a "yes". Perhaps he'll tell you he wants to go home. This is reality. This is his life. This is Mom's life too. What happened to the big trip. What happened to the retirement life. It will never be.

It's cold out there...

2008-02-19T22:31:00.001-05:00

It's cold here. My car is acting up. Not sure if I'll be able to make the 45 minute trip into the city to see Dad this weekend. If I don't have the car looked at, it'll mean trouble. I need the car.

Rumours - Just like Hollywood...

2008-02-17T17:49:00.003-05:00

Seems someone feels like spreading rumours.

Apparently my Dad's brother, Uncle M, has been telling people that my Mom rarely sees my Dad and when she does, it's only for a few hours. He was doing this a some function. However, he didn't realize that my Mom's brother, Uncle C, was at the same function and overheard the conversation. Uncle C pulled Uncle M aside and let him have it. Hopefully some of the correct information made it through to Uncle M's thick head.

Now the question is, all this took place out of the country where my Uncle M lives. The only way he could have been mis-informed of my Mother's visitation to my Dad is through some family members. So, who is telling fibs? My bet is on Brother or Dad's sisters. If you're going to talk about Mom and Dad, tell the real story. But, like Hollywood, everyone likes good gossip.

Depression...

2008-02-11T20:06:00.000-05:00

I've come to realize that I've been depressed for the last few months. It has been a gradual process, this depression. Dad's situation has been on my mind constantly. Is this his life? Is this my mother's life? What is to become of either of them? Is this my future? What if my partner had a stroke like Dad's? What would become of my life? What about Daughter? What if? What if? What if?

Long time hello...

2008-02-10T12:01:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year to those observing Chinese calendar. It's been many months since posting anything. Not much has changed except the passage of time. Christmas and birthdays have come and gone. Some days are better than others. Some visits are better than others. Nothing much has changed. Nothing much is different. I don't expect much to change either.

Visiting is hard...

2007-08-26T08:30:00.000-04:00

Daughter and I went to visit Dad yesterday. Mom wasn't able to make it as she had a funeral to go to. I guess when you start going to funerals frequently you know you're in that age bracket. Dad was sleeping when we arrived, I said good morning and he opened his eyes. He was in bed. I'm not sure if they get him out of bed or not. It's very difficult visiting since it was our decision to put him there. He doesn't speak much. He hardly says a few words. Not that he can't, but he doesn't want to. It's very sad. Daughter and I sat and spoke to him, telling him of vacation and no more braces. We left after an hour or so. I left depressed. That's my father in there. What's left of my father.

Grandmother passing away...

2007-08-09T19:14:00.001-04:00

After 90+ years on this planet, my Grandmother passed away peacefully last week. She ate dinner, went to sit down in her favourite chair, fell asleep and passed away. That's how it should be done. I wish this for me.

Movement...

2007-08-09T19:12:00.001-04:00

It has been a while hasn't it.
Some major movement here. Dad was moved to a long term care facility last week. I've visited this one last year when we were looking for a place for him. It an older building, but clean and spacious. There are 4 people to a ward room. He has a place by the window. It's actually quite nice compared to some of the other facilities I've seen. Mom of course disagrees and finds it horrible. I'm not sure what Dad thinks. He seems okay. But I'm sure he'd rather be at home. The decision to have Dad go to a LTC facility is the best choice for Dad and Mom. She was no longer able to look after him. We're finding out that there are other people in similar situations. No one is looking down on the spouse for not being able to provide 24/7 care. Mom hasn't let her guilt go, she may not be able to.

Get on with your life...

2007-07-21T20:42:00.001-04:00

People having been telling Mom she's got to get on with her life. She says this with a sigh. How am I supposed to get on with my life? What am I supposed to do? If I don't come to visit your father, who else will?

I don't have any answers. If only things were very straight forward and simple. This just isn't so. This are better between Mom and me. I still worry about the future, Mom's not even thinking that far in advance at this point in her life.

Time just drags by...

2007-07-15T08:02:00.001-04:00

Picked Mom up for breakfast. We had a nice meal. I made sure she agreed that I would pay before we went. She said she behaved very badly last time we had breakfast (fighting to pay for the bill). We stopped by Walmart for a few things before heading on wards to the hospital to see Dad.

He was in good spirits. Not talking much. He drifts in and out of sleep. He's down to 97 lbs Mom says. I stayed for an hour before heading out. I'm not a big fan of the hospital visit. Especially with Dad not really being mentally present. It's very draining to carry on a one sided conversation.

I'm depressed...

2007-07-09T20:22:00.001-04:00

I don't know what to say except I'm depressed. It's just lingering around me. I just want to run away and never look back. On everything.

Sellling the house...

2007-06-30T14:43:00.001-04:00

Within 5 years, there will be no option but to sell Mom and Dad's house.

No option.

Mom's government income is not enough to maintain the daily cost of running the house. With the extra money needed to keep Dad in private care while waiting for basic care, it will drain their resources by $25,000 by the end of year 2 in private care. After that, there will be no money left to look after the basics of the household.

In the end it doesn't matter where Dad ends up since Mom will have to sell and move anyway.

Breakfast with Mom...

2007-06-24T11:50:00.001-04:00

Since Dad is in the hospital, Mom and I went for breakfast before visiting Dad. It's something we seldom get to do, and near impossible with Dad at home. It's either Mom or I looking after Dad. Brother is MIA.

During breakfast, Mom looked around and said "These people have no idea how lucky they are". The comment was towards the large number of elderly folk munching away and socializing with their friends. Dad, and Mom, never had a chance to enjoy lazy mornings.

We are going to put Dad into a long term care facility as it's impossible for Mom to look after him at home now. I use the term Long Term Care because I don't want to use nursing home. We have to pay the full amount as there is only availability for private care. It costs $25000 a year. It's money Mom and Dad don't have. It's money that they have to pull that was marked for the next 20 years. It's inevitable that Mom will have to sell the house. In the big picture, does it matter where Dad goes since Mom will have to move eventually anyway? Mom wants him to be close, so she can still visit him. But it will cost $10,000 from her savings for 1 year. The waiting list for basic care at the facility she wants is at least 1 or 2 years away.

Happy Father's Day...

2007-06-17T14:14:00.000-04:00

To all the sons and daughters, celebrate Father's Day in some way. Even if it's just for a second to acknowledge your Father. One thing that stands out for me this year is how lucky other people are for having healthy loving parents. My Father didn't get a chance to enjoy his retirement years. He's physically alive, but not my Father.

Scrambling for accomodation...

2007-06-15T20:50:00.001-04:00

We've got our backs up against the wall. The hospital wants to send Dad home, discharge this weekend. He can't return home as Mom can no longer look after him. His safety and well being are at risk. Mom is going to lose her mind from exhaustion. The time has come. If only he had continued to improve, but this just wasn't meant to be. So we are going to get Dad into a long term care facility immediately, with the hopes of getting him into our preferred choice at a later date. Mom keeps waffling on the decision. But it's her guilt that is making her second guess herself.

This is the best choice given the situation.

Hospital again...

2007-06-13T18:58:00.000-04:00

Dad wasn't able to move on Monday. Mom couldn't get him out of bed or change him. He wasn't able to help her help him. She didn't know what was wrong. She didn't know what to do. So... call 911 and get him to the hospital. At least she didn't call Brother. Dad will be in for a few days. The attending doctor will assess the current medication he's on. Dad has definitely changed over the last several months. He no longer talks, he puts his hands in his diapers and smears fecal matter all over his clothes and bedding. With his dirty hands he's rubbing his eyes and getting eye infections. Mom is constantly doing laundry. Mom has come to the conclusion that Dad needs long term care immediately. She no longer has the capacity to look after him. It was at best manageable before, but now... impossible.

Frantic Mom...

2007-06-10T09:36:00.000-04:00

Mom called this morning. Dad apparently fell in the bathroom lastnight. She tries to get him up to go to the washroom. He got in, but didn't quite get out. She managed to pull him out to the hall. She decided to call Brother to get him back in bed. I've told her before to call 911. She opted to get Brother. He of course told her all the things she was doing wrong. He tells her what she should be doing, but doesn't offer to help. Dad spent most of the night urinating and defecating in the bed. He puts his hands in his diaper and wipes the fecal matter on his clothes and the bed sheets. Mom spent most of the night changing the bedding.

I asked why she didn't call 911. We've had this conversation before. She just didn't. End of story. I'm too far away. Is this my fault? She won't consider short term respite care. When we had the meeting with CCAC, the social worker said she should use the service. Dad gets 90 days a calendar year at a reduced rate ($30/day). She doesn't consider it. Now I have to listen to her tell me how tired and frail she is. But she won't ask for help. She tells me of how Brother is no help and how he is condescending and rude to her.

I've heard all this before. I ask her to consider the options. She won't listen. She is adding to her own downfall. I can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

Long Term Care...

2007-06-09T22:32:00.000-04:00

The facility of choice sent a letter of acceptance for Dad to their programme. It doesn't say how ling the waiting list is, but typically it's 9 months or longer.

I can't visit any more...

2007-06-09T15:47:00.000-04:00

Dad sits in bed just staring off into space. He doesn't speak, doesn't move, doesn't listen. I'm not sure what's going on with him. He's degraded, in my opinion, quite a lot. He doesn't get up to go to the bathroom, he doesn't even tell Mom when he has to go. He's curled up in a fetal position in bed, just laying there. I thought maybe he would have a chance at home, but it's beyond that now.

I can't bring daughter here. It's too difficult for me. I hate to see Dad in this situation. I'd rather see him in a long term care facility where they can look after his needs. Maybe I've totally screwed up. Maybe this was a bad plan and we should have put him in LTC a long time ago. There's no one else who can help.

Home from hospital... again

2007-05-29T06:40:00.000-04:00

Same old story. The hospital released Dad on Friday, without notice. Mom called Friday evening. I wasn't able to go on the weekend as I was working. I called Monday. Missed calling on Sunday for Dad's birthday. I could tell he sounded upset that he didn't even know he had a birthday. Daughter and I will go for a visit this weekend.

Sadness prevails...

2007-05-23T20:46:00.000-04:00

Mom called to let me know that there's no further word on Dad. They're keeping him for observation. Maybe something will show up this time.
Mom did tell me that she called Brother to let him know Dad's still in the hospital. He replied that she never told him he went in. Such is the way.

Hospital visit...

2007-05-20T22:51:00.000-04:00

Went to visit Dad with daughter yesterday. He was in and out of sleep mode. He didn't say much except to Mom "Am I going to stay here long?". Otherwise, we stayed for an hour and then headed home. Mom was a bit more relaxed, I guess getting some sleep does a world of good.

Hospital again...

2007-05-16T16:09:00.001-04:00

There's something not quite right about Dad's blood and kidneys. We were told it was due to the type of feed that he was getting and that it was taxing his kidneys. The doctor's had switched him to a lower density liquid food more than 4 months ago. Still, the problem exists. He's going to stay a few days. They may attempt a scope of his colon to see where the blood loss is occurring. it's not really recommended in his condition, but we may not have an option.

A helping hand from brother...

2007-05-06T22:20:00.000-04:00

I don't know why Mom does this, but she feels a need to keep testing the waters.

Dad's G-tube developed a pin sized hole. Not enough to cause feeding problems, except that when Mom would attempt to flush the tube with water, the hole sprayed water. The problem required a trip to the ER. That means 8 - 10 hour wait. So she called Brother. Can you take your father to the hospital Emergency room for his G-tube?
Response: I have a family and I don't have 10 hours to waste at the hospital.

You like that, don't you? It gives me the warm fuzzies.

Help from social agency....

2007-04-21T12:35:00.000-04:00

We had a meeting with Mom, myself, Dad and the social agency that will assist with getting Dad into a nursing home. Here's the deal...
Dad must give his permission to go into the home even though:
- he's a potential risk to his own safety
- he can easily be coerced into making decisions
- he can't remember anything short term (give him 3 words and ask for the 3 words in 10 minutes)

At anytime in the process of getting long term care he can decide to go back home. So if Brother tells Dad that the nursing home is bad for Dad and he needs to be at home, Dad can tell the agency he wants to go home and they must allow him to return.

There is some government assistance, but not much and only for the basic rates. Dad signed all the required paperwork although I know he had no idea of what he was signing.

I found out the agency also gave Mom and additional 3 hours of in home care for Dad. They offered this last month, but Mom said not to bother. I was furious that she refused the help since I'm the one she calls when she's having a nervous breakdown and expects me to do something about it. Take the damn help.

She also has the option of putting Dad into a nursing home for short term stay, up to 90 days per calendar year. It costs $30/day, but for a weekend it's $60 bucks. I'll gladly pay for that if it will give Mom some needed rest. She told the social worker that she's fine and doesn't need the break. Fuck you. Take the fucking break. Don't call me when you can't take it anymore. If you refuse the help, then that is a choice you are making. I won't feel obligated to drop everything because you're not able to deal with it anymore. There is help available, but you won't take it for whatever reason.

This could be me....

2007-04-14T10:25:00.001-04:00

I'm sitting across from Dad at the dining room table. He's hooked up to his feeding tube and one of seven cans he's to get today. He's nodding off, drifting in and out of sleep. l can't image that this is what he would want of his life. He's slumped in his chair, unable to look after himself. He realizes that he must depend on other's for his well being. He's not the man or father that I once knew and admired. That man left this world October 2005. I can't believe it's been that long since that day. If Dad gets into a nursing home it will have been 2 years in total. At least I'll know that he's safe. And I won't have to worry so much about Mom.

Life really changes in a split second.

I'm going to snap....

2007-04-08T13:34:00.000-04:00

I can't take all of this. I'm working long hours at work, I'm falling short on the needs of my family and I've got weekend obligations with Mom and Dad. I'm sitting here not wanting to be here. I'd rather be at home getting better. Seems like there is no end to this. Dad is just as belligerent as always. Mom is giving my nasty angry attitude. I don't need this. All I want is for Mom to be nice. Instead she treats me unlike anyone else. I guess she feels she has the right to do so. I want Dad to get into a nursing home. I can't take all the stress. At least I'll feel like the world is not dropping out when I see Mom's phone number show up on caller-ID.

Mom, I'm truly sorry that this is what God has dealt you. It's not what you wanted. You have tried your best. You have tried dealing with the differing sides of the families. It's clear that you can't manage anymore. I can't keep being here for you under these circumstances. You're pushing me away whether you realize it or not. I will not return at some point for my own sake. I can't care for both of you when my family is falling apart. It's been almost 2 years of this since Dad had his stroke. He's not going to get any better. He's going to be more demanding. He has no concept of his life. He doesn't remember to unbuckle his wheelchair seatbelt to get up. He's acting in a manner that is dangerous to himself. You can't manage him any longer.

Off to Mom and Dad's...

2007-04-08T07:39:00.001-04:00

I'm heading off to Mom and Dad's to give Mom and day off. I'm still not feeling well, but Mom's been under great stress so it's the least I can do on Easter Sunday.

Still not feeling well...

2007-04-07T08:59:00.001-04:00

I called Mom this morning to say I'd come in tomorrow rather than today. I'm still not feeling well. She was giving me the guilt trip tone in her voice. If she thought about it, she'd realize that I'm burnt out as well. I've been working 12 hour days at times and 6 days a week. People are pulling at me all the time and I don't have the energy to give them all the attention they deserve. I'm run down and this bug hit me hard. BF and Daughter didn't get it, they're both fine. I'll take care of myself first, then I'll be able to look after my parents, my family and work.

Sick and sicker...

2007-04-04T21:30:00.000-04:00

I've got it. Whatever Mom had, I know have. It ain't nice. Mom called yesterday to ask if I could take Dad to the rehab hospital for his appointment. Last time I took time off work the Doctor canceled. I can't afford to keep taking time off work. It's just too damn busy at work with all the different projects. Any way, I'm sick. And Dad's sick, my Mom and my Aunt took Dad to the hospital as he had a nose bleed that wouldn't stop. He had a bout of diarrhea in the bed and Mom had to clean it all up. We did the same thing several months ago due to the antibiotics. It's for the best if he can stay there for a few days so Mom can get better. Dad's so weak right now that he can't stand up, yet he insists that he can. This is why it's so dangerous. He tries to get up, but his legs won't co-operate. I think we all know where this is heading.

Choices... ???

2007-04-01T18:24:00.001-04:00

Sometimes there are no choices. Mom is sick and unable to look after Dad much less herself. I've spent the weekend here, trying to look after both. Dad fell in the bathroom as he's convinced he's capable of doing everything on his own. We found him in the bathtub, fallen in. No major damage, just confirming what we already know. Later, we found him out of bed, trying to walk to the bathroom. He was shaking under his own weight. He wouldn't be able to get there.

Mom has tried. It's been six months with him home and he's not getting better mentally. He doesn't remember how to unbuckle his wheelchair belt although he's done it at least 100 times. He thinks he can eat anything, not realizing that he'll choke if he eats that orange.

I'll start looking for a nursing home again. We went through this last year, so I have an idea of what to expect. It's not pretty, but I think it's for the best.

Frantic times...

2007-03-31T12:36:00.001-04:00

I was in the grocery store with Daughter shopping for dinner supplies when my cell phone rang. It was Mom calling.

"Why didn't you return my call. I am sick and your father is being very demanding. I cannot deal with him. He tried to get out of bed and fell down. I tried to get him up and I hurt my wrist."

"You don't know what it's like to have to cater to him all hours of the day. I haven't slept in weeks. He wakes me up all night because he's pee'd the bed. I do laundry all the time. I can't go out and get a break. There's no one to help"

I end up talking to Dad to tell him to stay in the bed and wheelchair. If he insists on getting out then he will have to go to the nursing home. This is all in the grocery store. It's like a bad comedy.

Mean Mom...

2007-03-25T07:44:00.001-04:00

Daughter and I went to see Dad and give Mom a break. It's the usual thing for us on Saturday. This Saturday however, we needed to get a birthday present for Daughter's friend's birthday party on Sunday. It took us a bit longer than usual to get to Mom and Dad's, we arrived at 11:30am. I walked in the door and Mom give me the look of death. It was like I just ruined her life at that moment. I just walked by her and ignored the laser eyes. She left without saying a word. The day was good with Dad. His walking is really coming along. He is still dependent on the g-tube (feeding tube), but he's able to eat small amounts of pureed or soft food. I've noticed that if he goes for additional food after the first round (seconds that is), he coughs much more than usual. I think the muscles in his throat get tired and don't work as well as when fresh.

Anyway, mom returned from her outing and said as we were getting ready to go "sorry to have to put you out of your life". She said in a way that gave me the Mother guilt thingy. I lost it. I go to see them to give Mom a break and to see Dad. It's not out of guilt, it's out of responsibility and love. Mom treats me different than her other visitor's . She dumps on me when she can't dump on anyone else. I can only take so much of that. I have responsibilities as well and quite frankly my immediate family comes first. Where the f*** is my lovely brother in all this. Hell, he lives 5 minutes away and can't reach out to offer a helping hand.

I can't do it all...

2007-03-24T03:22:00.001-04:00

I've been neck deep in work. Our office of 500 is moving. I'm the lead IT architect for the infrastructure, servers and telephony requirements. It's providing me with 12 hour days and weekend work. Mom asked if I wasn't doing anything on Tuesday, if I could take Dad down to the hospital for an appointment. To accomplish this I'll have to work on Saturday and Sunday as we have commitments to our end users that they'll be fully functional when they move into their new space. Taking a day off at this point is very difficult. I'm losing sleep now over work and dealing with Mom and Dad. That also means I'll be dragging in Daughter to work (she'll at least get a kick out of the new space).

:(

Re: Fighting and such...

2007-03-12T14:36:00.000-04:00

Dad didn't remember anything about the day before or the fighting.

Fighting and such...

2007-03-11T14:19:00.000-04:00

Since we had guests over on Saturday (family game night with 2 other families - what absolute fun), we weren't able to go to see Mom and Dad until Sunday. Mom called at 10:30am to ask "Where are you? You said you were coming over this morning!" I informed her that Daughter was still sleeping and that we'd be on our way within the next 30 minutes. She was frantic on the phone.
I got Daughter up and we left promptly. We arrived within 40 minutes (which means we were racing on the highway). Mom and Dad, mostly Dad, were yelling at each other. He kept saying he wanted to move out and that Mom doesn't want him here anymore. Mom kept repeating that it wasn't true and that he wasn't capable of looking after himself.
I urged Mom to go for a walk and get out of the house. Daughter and will look after Dad. Dad kept asking for phone numbers of a variety of people. He wanted them to look into places to rent. He wasn't convinced that he couldn't live on his own.

At some point Mom came home and went to rest for a few minutes. My Dads 2 sisters showed up. I let them in and they had a visit with Dad. He told them he wanted to move and that he didn't need to be treated so badly by Mom. All of a sudden, Mom barges out of the closed bedroom and starts to tell him how much work it is, how she's up 5, 6 times a night. She tells him she does endless loads of laundry because he pees the bed. All the while he's yelling at her "so what, so what". Daughter and I were downstairs at that point listening to all this. No fun, however, it was good for the two sisters to hear what Mom goes through and what Dad can be like at times.

We left soon after my aunts left. Mom didn't want us to leave, but we have a family too.

Progress in a week...

2007-03-04T09:13:00.001-05:00

After spending the day with Dad, it became apparent that he's made remarkable progress in a week. His walking is much better, stronger and more confident. He's able to stand for a few seconds on his own without any help. He can get in and out of his wheelchair without assistance. His eating has also improved. He's eating on his own, no problems with swallowing. Remarkable. He's also smiling and laughing. This is probably due to the new medication he's getting from the geriatric doctor he's seeing.

No major disruptions or no news is good news...

2007-03-02T15:20:00.000-05:00

Given that there has been no major news on here... it's a good thing. I'm glad that Mom and Dad have settled into a groove. I think if this can continue, they'll both find a bit of peace. Mom makes things harder on herself just given her personality type and the fact that I can tell she's bored out of her mind being at home all the time. Spring will be here soon and we'll be able to get Dad out for walks.

Off to the hospital again...

2007-02-02T22:55:00.001-05:00

Yesterday Mom called me on my cell at work. Dad's feeding tube was blocked. She wasn't able to get anything through it. What this means is that she has to take Dad to the emergency room at the nearby hospital. Not an easy task. Also, Mom got the results from Dad's recent blood work. His hemoglobin was low again. He'll need a transfusion. Any visit to the emergency room means 10 - 12 hours. I wasn't able to get there right away. I had to go home and get the car. Also, Daughter was with us that evening, but my partner was out in the evening on business until 8:30pm. I couldn't leave Daughter by herself until he got home. Mom called at 7:30pm frantically wondering where I was, why wasn't I at the hospital? I said I'd be there as soon as possible and that Daughter was with us that evening. She said not to bother coming in as it would be too late for me. I have to admit, it readily agreed because I was too tired to start driving at 9:00pm. I was being selfish but needed to be.

Dad and Mom left the hospital at 5:00am. Well over 12 hours at the hospital. My Aunt was gracious enough to help them get home and stay with Mom. They gave Dad 2 units of blood and then sent him on his way.

Bad moods...

2007-01-28T08:00:00.000-05:00

I can't blame Mom for being in a bad mood with Dad. It's like starting over in many ways. She's started with the food again, giving him pureed food in the hopes that he won't need the feeding tube in the future. But it's back to square one giving him small amounts. I can tell she thinks he should just start from where he left off, but it's not happening. Dad's either not interested in food or he's doesn't want to eat. In either case it's taking it's toll on Mom's patience. I tried to intervene and told her that I would do it, but she refused. After, I told her I'd give Dad his meds, but she refused. Mom... work with me, I'm here to help, I can't come in that often, but when I do, let me help.

Little by little, better and better...

2007-01-20T17:40:00.001-05:00

I'm at Mom and Dad's today looking after Dad while Mom's out for a little R R. Dad's gotten more stable on his legs. He's talking a bit more and reading the newspaper. He's not at the same level since leaving the rehab hospital back in October, but he's much better from a few weeks ago when he left the general hospital. I think his spirits are getting better as well. I asked Mom to see if there's something the physiotherapist can do to help Dad to be able to help himself when he slips to the floor and can't get up.

Slipped out again...

2007-01-19T17:57:00.001-05:00

Last night Dad slid out of his wheelchair again. Mom ended up calling 911 as she couldn't bear to have Brother come in to berate her again. She did try to call the physio guy who was there that evening but he was out. She was very upset but at least Dad was off the ground.

It's snowing lots now. Mom signed up for the snow removal service so she's going to get some work out of it.

Visiting sisters...

2007-01-17T22:07:00.001-05:00

I dropped by to see Mom and Dad after work today. Dad greeted my hello with a "Hi" and a big smile. It's nice to see his face light up. Mom looked happy as well. She got someone coming a few hours a week to give her a chance to catch her breath. The person is being paid for directly by Mom, no government assistance here. It's unfortunate that all the government help does nothing to assist the full time caregiver. Mom's also got the private physiotherapist to work with Dad a few times a week. This too is being paid for by Mom. The only assistance for Dad that is being paid for by the government is the baths that Dad gets 3 times a week.

Mom told me that for the second week in a row, Dad's two sisters and his Mother dropped by to visit. They stayed for about an hour, just long enough for Mom to close her eyes for a few minutes and have a shower. It was Mom who reached out to them, even after all that they did to her. She's a much better person than I could ever be. If they had done that to me, I would have burned the bridges for good. But Mom see's that it's only to benefit Dad to try and make ammends.

Trips to and fro...

2007-01-16T22:35:00.001-05:00

I'll drive in tomorrow to see Mom and Dad after work. My car is nearing 200,000km. It's 10 years old now. I thought it wouldn't have reached the 200K mark so soon. The extra trips into the city have definitely added to the mileage. Without question I'll continue to visit, I wish it could be more often. When I told Mom and Dad a few years ago that I'll be moving, I knew they weren't happy about it. But, you can't turn back the hands of time. If I didn't move I'd be ten minutes away. They would be depending on me much more. Not that I wouldn't mind, but it would add another layer of stress on to life.

Always a Mother...

2007-01-15T18:47:00.000-05:00

We had a crazy ass snow/freezing rain storm today. I had to go to work early so I got up at 4:00am, scraped off the car and headed into work. Normally it would take 45 minutes at this time, but today it took 1 1/2 hours. I made it safe, my nerves a little rattled. At about 10:00am, my phone rang with the caller ID from my parents house. Everytime this happens I think somehting horrible has happened, in the past it's been a rush to get Dad to the hospital or Dad's fallen, or Brother has done something dumb. This time... Mom wanted to know if I was okay with the winter storm.

:)

Wow... Dad you look great!!!

2007-01-13T12:39:00.000-05:00

Dad looks fantastic. The change from when I last saw him which was Tuesday is incredible. I think he's made a change in his attitude. No longer does he have a long frowning face. He's smiling and talking a bit more. Daughter came with me to stay with Dad while Mom went out today. Dad's face lit up as soon as he saw her. He obviously gets great pleasure in hearing about her school projects and activities. This is the best he's looked in a long time.

:)

The next day...

2007-01-07T08:20:00.000-05:00

I returned the next morning to see how they both were. I walked in and the mood was totally different. Mom was sitting with Dad in the living room watching television. She was smiling and so was Dad when I said hello. It was like nothing happened the last few days. I think she needed to get the moral support she deserves to boost her spirits. I stayed a few hours to help with Dad's walking and squat exercises. I gave him his feed for the afternoon. I'm confident that they need to get back into a groove as Dad was in the hospital for a few weeks. I hope that my conversation with Dad has helped. I seem to think that he's thought about what his outlook on life, that he needs to go forward. He made it clear that he didn't want to go into a nursing home. He made it clear that he wanted to stay in the house. His house. His home.

Dad on the floor [continued]...

2007-01-07T07:52:00.000-05:00

So there was Dad on the floor. There was Brother cussing and berating Mom. He wouldn't get Dad off the floor until he finished his lecture. Mom had to wait for his tirade to end. After Brother left his wife phoned to see if everything was okay. Mom told Brother's wife of the verbal assault she had undergone. Brother's wife responded by saying he does that to her all the time, don't pay any attention to him. Ummm, sweetie, your husband is verbally abusing you. It's not okay. Do you realize what he (and you) are teaching your kids. You have a daughter and a son, do you really want your daughter to be treated that way? Mom told her that she doesn't want him at her funeral. Brother's wife said, but he'd you son. Mom said that he's no son. A son wouldn't treat his mother that way.

Mom called the following day (Friday) and was in tears and mentally broken down. I told her I'd be over in 90 minutes. When I arrived she was visibly shaken. She was upset to the point where she couldn't think anymore. I listened to her story. Brother had again accused her of causing Dad's stroke. Her brought up old events and old encounters. He defended Dad's sisters. He justified his superiority. He claimed she was not able to look after Dad anymore and that a nursing home was necessary. I asked if there was any one else who could've helped in this situation. She said no, the neighbors are elderly. Her sister was sick. I told her next time to call 911. This was a much better option than calling Brother. It'll cost $$$, but she should not have to be put through that abuse just to get Dad off the floor.

I spoke with Dad and asked him what he wanted to do. He's got on average 10 years of life left. What is it he wants to accomplish? What is it he want to be remembered for? I asked him about last night, about the yelling. He said he didn't remember. He said yes there was yelling from Brother. I asked hi m if it was okay for Brother to talk to Mom that way. He said no. I said he needs to say something. I said if you say nothing then it means it's okay for him to speak to Mom this way. I asked again.. is it acceptable for Brother to speak to Mom that way? "No". Then you've got to say something. He agreed.

I got him out of bed, had him walk a few laps around the house and do some squats. Mom went out for a few hours with her sister. I stayed a few hours after she came back and then headed home.

Dear Lord...

2007-01-05T22:32:00.001-05:00

How do I save my mother.

Last night Dad slipped out of his wheelchair and ended up on the floor. No damage. Just she couldn't get him back in bed. He was unable to help her. So, Mother called Brother. He arrived and deemed it the appropriate time to lecture her on what's she's done to bring this on herself. She caused Dad's stroke and had left him in this state. He did this infront of my father and before he would help get him off the floor.

Happy New Year...

2007-01-01T06:51:00.001-05:00

May the new year bring us all joy, love and happiness.

New Year's Eve...

2006-12-31T11:34:00.000-05:00

Dad came home from the hospital yesterday. Didn't make it in time for Christmas, but he made it home to ring in the New Year. He looked unhappy, it was more confused maybe or a combination. Maybe the anti-depressant medication will make a difference. We need to find something for him do to, something to occupy himself. That's the objective of 2007. Glad to have you home again Dad. Maybe your other son will visit with the grand kids.

Christmas note...

2006-12-27T19:11:00.000-05:00

It was a letter, really a note, from Mom on Christmas. It was a single page in her beauttiful cursive. It was a thank you for the times throughout the year when she didn't think she could make it. She didn't have the strength to continue. She didn't have the wisdom to make decisions. There were times when she needed an ear to scream at, a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board. For all those times she said thank you. For all those times I was able to help her. For all those times, she was able to continue. For all those times, thank you.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas in the hospital...

2006-12-26T07:41:00.002-05:00

How do you make merry in the hospital? Dad is obviously depressed about being in the hospital. He hardly spoke a word. However, I noticed that his right hand is shaking quite a bit. More than two weeks ago. His frame of mind is reminiscent of when this all began. I wonder is something happened? Another stroke perhaps? Makes you wonder. He is walking a little bit now. We almost have to force him to walk as he doesn't want to get out of bed. He is supposed to be home on Thursday, but we'll see.

How I failed my parents...

2006-12-22T20:03:00.001-05:00

Christmas is a few days away and the year is closing soon. We end the year as it began with Dad in the hospital. Mom feeling like all hope is lost. Dad not wanting to go on. How did I fail my parents? Not supporting enough? Not providing enough time for them? Not being able to solve all there problems and challenges? What can I say to either of them at this point? There's always hope? You'll get stronger and be home soon? I don't believe it myself. I've lost hope. I don't even hope anymore.

Guilt trip...

2006-12-09T07:30:00.002-05:00

It's difficult this week. Dad's in the hospital. No one has gone to see him from his side of the family. I was able to go Monday but not since. I was planning to go on Sunday, but after a phone call from Mom I'll go in today (Saturday). We have guest in from England so it's a bit difficult to leave, but family first I suppose. Any hoo, Mom was upset that not one of Dad's sisters came to visit him. Brother hasn't been much help either. He was supposed to relay the information but did not. He said Mom told him not to. She called him a liar. Wouldn't it be great to have a family like the ones on TV? No the ones now on reality TV. But the ones from "Happy Days" or "Leave It To Beaver"? I know, the mother figure was slogging back the booze in the kitchener, but at least they all looked normal.

Too familiar surroundings...

2006-12-04T21:52:00.001-05:00

I went to visit Dad in the hospital today. The same drive after work, the same parking spot, the same elevator, the same ward. The only change is he's in a different bed. The hospital smells the same. It's very distinct. I've spent many hours there. Many hours. Many weeks. Many months.

Dad doesn't want to be there. He kept saying "I don't want to be here. I want to go home. Your Mom said it was okay for me to go home." What could I say. I would feel the same.

2006-12-02T22:27:00.003-05:00

Dad on his own...

2006-12-02T22:27:00.001-05:00

Dad's spirits have taken a turn. He wants to live alone he has told Mom. She's devastated. I know it's Dad feeling that he doesn't want to be a burden to anyone. He'd rather live alone than to subject people to having to live his situation. I'd feel the same way. Some how, we need to give Dad purpose again. Find some thing that will give him a reason to get up in the morning. Brother of course is feeding on this and is telling Mom that he's given up the will to live and that he wants to be on his own because she's too controlling. Brother says Dad needs his independence. I don't think living on his own is going to give him independence. He'll need constant care. Who's going to visit him? Not his sisters or Brother.

Low hemoglobin...

2006-12-02T14:41:00.001-05:00

Dad had some blood work done as part of a regular visit to his GP on Thursday. His doctor called Friday, concerned about his hemoglobin levels. Also the tests indicated that he had some liver and kidney problems. His GP suggested he get to emergency immediately. Mom was freaking out over this. I said it was just a precaution that GP wanted to take. Mom called 911 and got to the hospital by 3:00pm. I left work early and decided that rather than go home and immediately hop in the car to head to the hospital, I was going to look after my family first. Have dinner, share your day and then I'll head to the hospital.

I arrived just before 8:00pm. Mom was in the emergency room waiting for Dad to return from his x-ray's. I asked my Aunt to take her home and I'd stay with Dad. At 10:30pm the emerg doctor arrived and said that he would be requesting 2 units of blood for Dad due to the alarmingly low level of hemoglobin. As well, he requested the specialist to see Dad. By 1:00am we were in the acute care section with a unit of B+ in the transfusion process. The specialist showed up and said that it looks like Dad was losing blood somewhere. He was going to get Dad admitted, adding another unit of blood (a total of three), and a possible scope over the next few days to see where the blood loss could be occurring. This is Mom's opportunity to re-energize her batteries. Dad will be taken care of by the hospital so no worries there. I told her to go out and do things she's wanted to do over the last few months that have been impossible.

Break...

2006-11-19T22:23:00.001-05:00

Unlike Mom, I had a break this weekend. Usually I would go into the city to see Mom and Dad. Mom would get a chance to get out and I'd stay and look after Dad. Since Mom told me not to come I didn't. So the weekend was one great lazy day. We planted the rose plants that arrived from the nursery and put out the Christmas lights.

You don't have to come if it's a burden...

2006-11-13T19:45:00.000-05:00

Mom's never change do they? I've been going to Mom and Dad's every weekend since Dad got home. It was to give Mom a chance to get out of the house at least once. She called tonight to say not to bother coming on Saturday because it's a burden. The thing is, I don't see them during the week anymore since brother started the physiotherapy. So now I don't see them at all. I have to admit I was in a bad mood when I got there, but it was because my aunt (Mom's sister) started in on me as soon as I got through the door. If she would've just backed off a little it would have been manageable. Can't win this one.

So where to from here...

2006-11-12T20:36:00.000-05:00

Dad has made incredible progress from a year ago when we thought the worst. I wonder now, about quality of life. What is it that Dad wants. What is it that Mom wants. It seems that we've been able to provide him with the necessities, but that's obviously not enough. What is Dad suppose to do with his days. Everyone needs purpose. Dad is no different. Daughter is going to be asking Dad about how the family got to Canada. It will give him a challenge to recall and it will give daughter a chance to learn about the family. I thought about Dad making something for charity, perhaps necklaces or bracelets type things. It may help with developing his dexterity as well. He used to buy Teddy bears at Christmas time for the charities and donate them.

Depression...

2006-11-12T06:01:00.000-05:00

Dad is struggling with depression. He won't admit it, but you can see it on his face how unhappy he is. I can't blame him. It's not uncommon for retired men and women to get depressed after they've stopped working. Dad was a typical bread winner male. His purpose was to make sure the family was taken care of. He provided the income and fixed the house. He took Mom out grocery shopping and made sure all the bills were paid. But now, after retiring and after the stroke he isn't capable of doing there things. I can tell on his face that he doesn't know what his purpose is. He spends the days sitting watching television. Since he got sick he isn't able to walk much as he's so weak still. And the weather isn't great outside so taking him in the wheelchair for a walk isn't possible. So... what can Dad do that will give him a sense of purpose. He needs something to look forward to. He needs something that will make him want to get out of bed.

Physiotherapy for Dad...

2006-11-01T05:29:00.000-05:00

Dad's on a waiting list for the day treatment physiotherapy. He's #17. No telling when he'll start. Mom took the initiative and wanted to get Dad a private physio to come in. She asked Brother who tried to get someone to see Dad when he was in the hospital, barely able to move and comprehend. It wasn't appropriate then, but would be perfect now. Bonus is that the physio guy will come to the house for $30/hour. He's not licensed, but practiced in his home country. Brother at least will feel like he's contributed something and maybe will ease off Mom and stop berating her and blaming her for Dad's situation.

Because Brother won't go to the house if I'm there, I'll only go on the weekend for the next few weeks. The physio guy gets a ride with Brother to Mom and Dad's. So no Brother, no physio guy. I couldn't care less, but for Mom I'll stay back for now. You pick and choose your battles. This one is no biggie. Unless the unlicensed physio guy does some damage to Dad.

A touch of pneumonia...

2006-10-28T16:21:00.000-04:00

Dad's cold got progressively worse on the weekend. When I was there on Tuesday evening, a doctor came by and said Dad most likely had a touch of pneumonia. He was given some antibiotics the day before, and it would take three days before he would see improvement. One of the results of the antibiotics is diarrhea. I remember this from Daughter's few illnesses. I was helping Mom with Dad in the bedroom, when he said he had to pee. He was so week that getting him to the bathroom wasn't an option. We used the urinal bottle instead. Dad said he was done, but he hadn't done anything. Mom asked if he wanted to try again. He said yes. Except he then said "I pooed". It was everywhere, diarrhea. On the bed, on his pants, on the floor. It took the two of us half an hour to clean up. There was atleast 5 loads of laundry to do. I never expected to have to clean up my parent. But things have changed in the last year. Things are very different.

Brother knows more than the doctors... again

2006-10-21T16:35:00.000-04:00

Mom called Thursday all in a panic because Dad had as fever.
Me: What's his temperature, Mom?
Mom: It's 38.4C.
Me: Oh, I said, I think it's just above normal.
Mom: what's normal?
Me: Let me google it. It's usually 37C but can range from 36.1 - 37.8 °C
Mom: Does he have a fever?
Me: If you didn't know what the normal temerature was, why do you think he has a fever?
Mom: The site around his g-tube is oozing a bit and it smells funny.
Me: He might have a slight infection, he's been fighting a cold for the last week, so that might be it
Mom: I called TeleHealth and they told me to get him to Emergency, but the last time we went when his g-tube came out, we stayed there for 10 hours.
Me: Anything other than a lost limb and you're going to stay 10 hours at least
Mom: What should I do?
Me: I'd wait a few hours and then take his temperature again. I'm sure it's nothing.
Mom: Ok.

So Mom ends up calling Brother because she wanted him to take his temperature in case her thermometer was broken. He tells her how she is abusing him because she won't let him use a stationary bicycle. And that he should use the treadmill downstairs. Brother verbally abuses her infront of Dad. Dad doesn't say anything. Mom sends me a CC of an email to Brother. She says in her email how disrespectfull he's been especially over the last year since Dad has been in the hospital. It really started long before Dad got sick, but this has just made it worse. She noted in the email that he has never stopped by the house to see how she's doing. She reminded him how she looked after the kids (for free while he stayed home not working). She told him to return the key to the house and that if he won't she'll have the locks changed. She told him God is watching and what goes around, comes around.

I'm sure he'll just laugh it off as Mom. Dad needs to step up to the plate and voice his disapproval on this matter. If I never see my Brother again, so be it. Nothing lost.

Dad's starting to make sure he's looking out for himself...

2006-10-16T09:22:00.000-04:00

Apparently Brother wanted to bring Dad over to his house on Sunday. Dad asked if the kids and Brother's wife were still sick. Brother said his wife was still ill. Dad said perhaps next week then. This is because the prior week, Brother took Dad over to his house even though both kids and wife were sick. As a result Dad got a cold. Not something he needs right now.

He's making great progress. He looks great and I can see his stamina is getting better.

I was to take him to the doctor and bank today, I took the day off work. However, the doctor called in sick. I'll take him and Mom to the bank and Sears to get some better slippers.

:)

Weekend visits...

2006-10-15T21:30:00.000-04:00

I ususally go to see Mom and Dad on Saturday's. If I have Daughter that weekend, then she will come along. This Saturday was no different. Except when we walked in to the house, there was Dad sitting in his same old chair. The music was playing loudly. He was reading the newspaper. I just stood there staring. It was as if the whole year the we just endured had never happenned. Except for the feeding tube and the pole holding the feed, I could have sworn the old Dad was back.
We spent a nice afternoon with my parents. We had lunch and then Mom went to church with my Aunt. We stayed with Dad, I gave him his meds and feed at 5:30pm.

One thing to note, one of his sisters called and left a message. Dad knows when the phone rings. He knows who leaves a message. My aunt called my brother to tell him her calls were not being returned. My brother promptly goes to see Dad to find out why he hasn't called her back. The fact is, he doesn't want to speak to her he says... "she talks crap". I think alot of it has to do with the way she and her family treated their Mother who was living with my aunt. At the time my grandmother found out my cousin was drinking a lot of wine in the basement. When confronted, my cousin told my grandmother to get out of the house and proceeded to make her leave. Neither my aunt or uncle tried to resolve the issue. My grandmother ended up leaving and staying with my father and mother until she was able to get into a seniors building. My grandmother had to get a job making sandwiches to make ends meet. So Aunt, it's not because my mother is preventing my Dad from calling you, he just thinks you are "full of crap". You are a hypocrit. You claim to be a devout Catholic and yet you have treated you mother and brother without respect. Look at your own family and see how your daughter got her husband. His ex-wife tells a very different story about your lovely daughter.

We all have nasty little secrets, don't we.

Some familiar relationship habits...

2006-10-03T22:14:00.000-04:00

I dropped by Mom and Dad's after work today. Dad was in the bedroom lying on the bed. Mom was washing up dishes. She started telling what a bad and nasty mood "your father" was in. He apparently snapped at her because she wouldn't give him a cookie. She made the mistake of taking him to the nearby mall. It's too far for her to push him in the walker. That's right - I said "walker". The kind with the seat, but not really meant for sitting in. I guess she thought it would be a nice walk. Except Dad walks very slowly. And tires quickly. So getting there was one thing. But then she had to get him home. Too far.

I took Dad to the same mall, except I drove us there. It gave Mom a chance to close her eyes. At least for an hour. He really enjoyed going for a stroll, looking around, seeing what was on sale. We bought 2 chocolate bars from the drugstore. He saw in the flyer "1 for 99 cents and the 2nd for 1 penny". It was a bargain for sure. And Dad loves a good bargain.

One year ago...

2006-10-02T20:45:00.000-04:00

I had moved to away to a smaller city about 45 minutes away. I was commuting by train to get to work. Getting to see Mom and Dad was hit or miss as we were trying to still get settled into the new house. Daughter was adjusting to her new school. The three of us were adjusting to living together.

Dad was already feeling that things were not right. He decided that he wasn't going to drive anymore. He was doing less walking. He seemed so much older to me than last time I saw him.

Mom's on her own and doing well...

2006-10-02T08:28:00.000-04:00

Called Mom this morning to see how things went since I left yesterday afternoon. I didn't call last night on purpose so she could feel some confidence in doing things on her own. She didn't mention any problems. It will be difficult for her getting sleep as Dad gets up several times in the night to go to the bathroom. She was always a bit of an insomniac. No mention of any issues with brother, so I presume it went well. It also gave her a chance to close her eyes while he was out.

A stroke such as what afflicted Dad has resulted in much of his faculties at reduced capacity. I realize that his comprehension is slower and his understanding is limited. He is remembering more as time goes on. And maybe that is what it will take... time.

Leaving Mom and Dad...

2006-10-01T15:59:00.000-04:00

After spending several days helping both Mom and Dad with the adjustment of coming home, I was confident that they each had the will to make it work. Dad is determined to get stronger. He wants continue to do the exercises, even doing a few extra repetitions. Mom is able to handle all the daily requirements that Dad will need. She needs only to calm down to be able to deal with the issue at hand.

Before I left I replaced the hand shower as the hose of the old one would pop out occasionally when in use. Dad may need one more grab bar in the bathroom. Brother should be able to handle that one without making a big fuss about it.

Mom needs to remember that no one can hurt you unless you let them. That means, brother can't push her around unless she lets him. If he is being an ass, ask him to leave. She owes him nothing. He has failed to support her and Dad over the last year. He has never called on her to see if she is okay, if she needs anything. He has been rude and insulting (telling your Mother to fuck off is not acceptable). His wife, after everything my parents have done for her, hasn't called or offered assistance. Now that Dad is home, brother wants to have a celebration at his house tonight for Dad's homecoming. Like he had anything to do with Dad's recovery. Such a shallow individual. You, brother, had nothing to do with Dad's recovery. You, brother, are an embarrassment to the family. You, brother, will remember this in many ways throughout your life.

Dad is home once again...

2006-09-30T15:55:00.000-04:00

After almost a year, Dad come back home. Mom and I went to pick him up at the hospital yesterday. They said goodbyes with lots of smiles and a few tears. Mom was surprisingly calm, not what I expected. We arrived by 11:30am, and tried to settle down. Unpacked a few items (bedrail, walker, feeding bag pole). It was sort of a non-event to Dad. As far as I know, no offer of help from anyone else (brother or Dad's side of the family were absent of course). We got into the Meds and the feeding schedule. Figured out where and how to position Dad so he would be comfortable. After a long day we all went to bed for a well deserved sleep.

Dad is more comfortable going to the bathroom without people watching him and waiting for him. I don't blame him. He no longer has to rely on the nurses or support workers to get him to the bathroom. I went and got bagels from one of our favorite spots. It's been a year since he's had one. We took out the soft inside and buttered it for him. I think with the ability to feed him at any time, Dad will gain weight even faster.

His sister called but only said to Mom "Can I speak to please". No hello, no acknowledgement. I'm not sure if I would be brave enough to step foot in the house after what she and brother did with trying to get POA.

Brother wanted to come over but declined after learning I was here. I'm staying for a few days to help with the transition. Mom's got everything under control however.

Brother is having a dinner at his house, I suspect to "celebrate" Dad's return. He didn't invite Mom however. Or me (not that I care - he hates me for what ever reasons he has). I insisted to Mom that brother be aware of Dad's schedule and agree to it. Dad can leave after his meds at 5:00pm and return before 8:00pm for his final feeding. Mom still doesn't understand that she does not have to be a victim. If he doesn't agree, don't let brother take him. If brother screws up and doesn't return Dad, then don't let brother take him next time. It's simple isn't it? Just keep in mind what Dad wants as well. Quality of life. For everyone.

This division is the result of a disagreement on the use of accupuncture. We agreed to accupressure (no needles), but when they wanted to persue needles, Mom and I didn't think this was the right time.

Dad is finally able to resolve the condo issue. He kept talking about condos, but it was for the future. The social worker at the hospital told him that the maintenance fees on the condo would be much higher than the operating costs of the house as it's mortgage free.

I'm very proud of Mom and Dad for getting through the last year.

Dad's coming home...

2006-09-17T20:08:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since the past post. Dad will be coming home on September 29, 2006. Almost 1 full year since the stroke. He's made the most incredible progress. He's done more than anyone ever thought possible. He's able to walk with the use of a walker. He can go up and down stairs with assistance. He's getting his memory back. There are times when time is needed to heal. This is one of those times. The brain can recover, but in cases like this, the mind needs time. When the mind starts to mend, the body follows easily. Dad's pushed himself very hard, with concentrated determination. The hospital has been instrumental in getting Dad back on his feet. But really, the single person that is responsible for Dad's recovery is Mom. She hasn't missed a day (except for the public transit strike) going to see Dad. She has been the one to get on the therapists whould something not go right. She's has been the one to feed day, slowly and daily. No one else has done this. Cheers Mom, you've done a hell of a job.

There were a few things that were suggested with the house. Small things like a grab bar in the bathroom, non-skid strips on the bathroom floor, a handrail outside by the stairs and a gate to block the stairs to the basement. Of these things she asked Brother to put up the grab bar and install the outside handrail. Brother came back saying he could find such a handrail for the outside. Mom told me and I went to Home Depot only to find all sorts of handrails. She told Brother that I found them at Home Depot, to which he responded - "since you're being such a pain in the ass, I'm only going to do the bathroom grab bar". Well, I found a no rust aluminum handrail for the outside. I installed it and it looks great. See big Brother, you're an ass.

Dad's been doing very well at the walking. Today he did 8 laps around the ward, 80 squats, 2 sets of stairs (up and down) and one lap walking with me helping (no walker). Incredible.

The evil sisters have been inquiring about getting him a recliner chair. They don't even realize that he's not strong enough to get out of the chair as once they are reclined, it takes some strength to push it back. Hey girls - just pass over the cash and leave.

One evil sister sent an invitation to her grandchildren's celebration dinner. Just an excuse to show off infront of a bunch of so called close friends. She sent the invite to Dad alone. Why don't these people smarten up. Either invite Mom and Dad or don't invite at all. Bitch.

I told Mom that she has to make sure people call before coming over. No doubt the evil sisters will just show up and expect Mom to roll over while they are visiting.

Daughter is very excited about Grandpa coming home.

Preparing for home visit...

2006-08-17T21:07:00.000-04:00

Dad's made enough progress that we can consider a weekend home visit. This will allow Mom some time to adjust to his presence in the house and the changes that will need to occur. I told her that we could arrange a weekend and I would stay over to help out.

Dad's ability to balance continues to be his biggest challenge. He can walk with the assistance of a walker without a problem. He can balance on his own for two minutes without any assistance. He can even balance on his own with his eyes clothes. He can go up and down steps - three flights. The hospital is gearing up to get him home. The assessment at the house by the hospital indicated a few issues, but nothing unexpected. Mom's getting a little anxious about Dad's return to home, but I'm sure it's what she'd prefer.

Hospitals and vacations...

2006-07-30T20:16:00.000-04:00

Everyone deserves a vacation. Those that work at the hospital doing rehabilitation included. Due to the intense workload of the therapists, I bet they can't wait to get away. Dad's primary physiotherapist is away for three weeks. Oh, and he got married, so I guess he's entitled to the time off. He deserves it, they all do. They work hard at often times not very rewarding sessions. For most people, the payoff is not in a single session or month. It's over years. Dad will be benifiting from these sessions for the rest of his life. It's hard to see that when you appear to be working with the same person day after day.

Dad's got this obsession with bowel movements. He only wants Mom to change him rather than have to wait on the support workers to change him. He gets upset if he hasn't had a bowel movement by the time Mom is ready to leave.

The last week and a half, there has been a viral infection on the floor. At one point visitors had to wear gown and mask. It's mostly over now, no new infections. However, patients were not allowed to leave the floor. Dad and Mom haven't been able to enjoy the warm outdoor weather.

Difficult day... the good and the bad

2006-07-13T22:38:00.000-04:00

Mom asked me to join her for a meeting today with the speech pathologist. We discuss the results of the swallow test that Dad had yesterday. I had planned on taking today and tomorrow off as I've been working weekends and pulling 16 hour days in the last 3 weeks. I needed some down time. Alas, whatever I had planned for today was quickly erased.

I arrived at the hospital at 1:30pm. Dad was supposed to have his Occupational Therapy, but she never showed up. Our meeting was for 3:00pm. Dad was feeling a bit tired from sitting so we laid him in his bed to rest. I took Mom to the cafeteria for a late lunch. Never go to the caf after lunch rush. What's left is reheated and gross. When we went back up to see Dad, he was in the middle of his Occupational Therapy session. It was remarkable to see his determination. I could feel tears well up in my eyes. I was dumbfounded. Dad was playing catch and moving his feet. The idea was to make him shift from two feet to one foot and still maintain his balance. It was incredible to see him in action. Once they were done it was time to go to the meeting.

It was clear that he was having trouble swallowing. There was at times, more often than not, coughing accompanying the eating of food. That's always a sign that the swallowing is not going well. The test he had the day prior was a barium test. He swallowed a liquid or food and they watched. He didn't do very well. The tester stopped early as he was choking and she didn't feel comfortable carrying on. The hospital wanted us to know that his swallowing wasn't safe. There is a risk involved if we continue to feed him. He is aspirating which could lead to pneumonia. Dad got that at the last hospital, not from eating, and it set him back weeks. The hospital won't tell him to stop. It's about quality of life. Remarkable. They know that it's his (and the family's) decision as to stop or continue the food intake. Dad for the longest time didn't know what to decide. He kept looking at Mom to tell him. But ultimately he decided to continue. He's been eating for 6 weeks now and hasn't shown any sign of aspiration. He feels it's a low risk. He'd like to continue.

I also agree to continue. We need to monitor what to eat. Brother had given him some bread last Sunday according to Dad. That's a big wrong as the bread is rather difficult to swallow and can get into his lungs. We should continue with the congee. We also got 2 exercises to do. Must be done daily. DAILY. I wish I could be there every day to go through the exercises with him, but I can't.

Good day and bad day.

Fantastic...

2006-07-03T21:49:00.000-04:00

I dropped by the hospital unexpectedly today. I worked most of the weekend and as today was supposed to be a statutory holiday (and I ended up having to work), I left early. Mom was feeding Dad his usual mashed banana and congee (rice porridge). I sat with them and fed Dad a bit. I asked Mom if I could help Dad walk a bit today as the therapists were not in and he'd miss a day of walking. There were no walkers available, so Dad walked by holding on to the railing on his left side (his stronger side). I was astounded as he walked with a quick pace. Mom followed behind with the wheelchair just in case. He moved with confidence and assurance. As he neared a part of the wall where there was no railing, Dad didn't miss a beat and passed quickly to the next railing. We made a 1/2 lap around the hospital floor. We stopped at Dad's room because his second lunch was ready.

Dad is very determined to get back as much as he can. I have no doubt he's going to make it.

New bikes...

2006-06-27T22:17:00.000-04:00

I got new bikes for Daughter and me. The weekend was an expensive $500 in replacements. It had to be done though. I couldn't let a summer go by without biking for the two of us. I'll have to take pictures of the bikes and record the serial numbers.

Stolen...

2006-06-23T21:05:00.000-04:00

This is more about what life is about sometimes. Our bikes that were stored in the shed were stolen. Someone last night broke into the shed, smashed the door and walked away with our 2 bikes. Daughter is going to be crushed. I don't know what to tell her. I don't want to be the one to tell her that some people are selfish and self-centered. Some people have no regard for others. They have no respect. In some ways, I have to at some point I have to tell Dad this as well. And this is the sad point in my life.

On the positive side...

2006-06-21T22:23:00.000-04:00

I try my best to see something positive in situations. Even in the darkest moments. It's at best challenging. Dad's been getting upset because of what's Mom's been through. He feels horrible that all the responsibility is on Mom's shoulders now. I tell him that because of this situation, Mom has stretched her wings and has the confidence to make things happen that she wouldn't have been able to do 8 months ago. She can stand up to the doctors and nurses where she feels there needs to be clarification. She can manage all aspects of the house. She can use a cell phone. Yes. It's been very difficult on Mom. There have been times that I couldn't take the strain in her voice. But I look at her now in a different light. And Dad must too. These are the positive things that have come about.

Dad is looking good today. He's getting better every day. It's hard for him to realize his progress because he has no point of reference. I remind him often on his great achievements. He needs to be proud of what he has done in the last 4 months.

Father's Day...

2006-06-17T06:14:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is Father's Day.

Someone from Marketing created this day. I don't recall seeing it on t he greco-roman calendar from 200BC. So what does this mean, this Father's Day. The designated moment in the calendar year where we pay respect and reflect on the person we call "Father". Daughter uses the Father's Day moment to make nice cards to three father's in her life. Biological (me), step-father (Ex's newish husband) and step-father (biological father's partner). But what does Father's Day mean for me this year.

In the past I recall giving Dad a huge poster with "Happy Father's Day" written on it using pennies. There were the obligatory ties, handy man tools, books, videos and such. Today, this year, I'm not sure what would be appropriate. What could I possibly give a man who fights everyday with his disability? He fights to get better. He fights so he won't be a burden on his wife. He fights so he may leave the hospital and return to the comforts of a home he doesn't remember. Maybe this is the day to respect and honour a man who has struggled in the past year against something we can't see.

This Father's Day is different from any other Father's Day. This is a Father's Day to be in awe of my Father for what he has accomplished.

Time for Mom...

2006-06-13T07:22:00.000-04:00

I took Mom for breakfast on Saturday and then spent the day at the hospital before heading home. I think she really liked having some of the attention on her. She deserves a bit of that. After 8 months of Dad's illness, she's come out to be an extremely strong person. Don't let her small stature fool you. You should have seen her arm wrestle me for the bill.

It's just noise...

2006-06-10T07:11:00.000-04:00

I went to visit Dad last week. I usually go Tuesday or Wednesday depending on my schedule. I never go Thursday because I know my Aunt goes that evening. She's the one who tried to get Power of Attorney" with Brother. So last week it was Wednesday. I arrived at 4:45pm. Dad was sleeping but opened his eyes shortly after I sat down. We chatted. Laughed a bit and talked about what kind of father he had. At 5:50pm my aunt shows up. I was disappointed that she was interrupting my visit with him. I was clenching my teeth since I wanted to tell her the grief that she caused my family. But she wouldn'e even hear what I had to say because I know she, and my other aunts, are self-centred and selfish individuals. As it stands, visit's from the sisters have dwindled off as there are other things in life for them. Excpet for this sister who has no life or family of her own. Instead I shut my mouth and waited hoping that she would disappear. I kept my attention on Dad and ignored aunt. She better not cause any trouble at Mom and Dad's house once Dad gets out of the hospital. If she wants to visit she'll have to enter Mom's home and I won't permit her to cause any issues.

Bitch.

-

Little time...

2006-06-06T22:19:00.000-04:00

I've settled into a schedule. During the work week I see Dad on either Tuesday or Wednesday depending on which evening I have Daughter. I leave home at 6:00am to beat the traffic into the city and then head to Rehab Hospital at 4:00pm. I arrive at about 4:45pm and stay until 6:30pm when I head home, missing the traffic. It makes for a long day but it's the least I can do. I'll see Dad next on the weekend, either Saturday or Sunday depending on what's going on. It doesn't leave alot of time left to see Mom. I'm sure she's resentful that all the attention is on Dad. She deserves some time as well. I'll see if I can swing going in early Saturday morning and take her for her favourite breakfast.

Visits with Dad...

2006-06-01T18:35:00.000-04:00

The time I spend with Dad is great. We talk. I tell him about my day. How Daughter is doing in school. But he usually asks about her and school, when vacation is. What things she likes to do. To spend time with Dad just talking is something we've never done. Even though he's not the Dad I knew before October 15, 2006 he's still my Dad. I will always love and care for him.

All caught up...

2006-06-01T18:32:00.000-04:00

I guess I could have posted more. I would have described the tortured tone of my mother's voice. How she anguished that she didn't have the help and co-operation of both sides of the family. She's the real hero in all of this. There are those that should hang there heads down in shame for what they tried to do. Brother hadn't stepped foot in Mom and Dad's house for over 7 months. He hadn't called to see how she's doing, if she needs anything, does she need groceries, a ride to the hospital, perhaps she'd like to see the grandkids. It's shameful. It's family. At least it's mine.

Why this blog disappeared for a while...

2006-05-31T16:58:00.000-04:00

There were some legal issues that arose. At the time I thought it was best to close this down. But I also didn't want the last 7 months to be lost. I'll recount what's happenned since the last post over time. Suffice to say... things are going well.

:)

May 31, 2006: 7 1/2 months

2006-05-29T12:51:00.000-04:00

I can hardly believe 7 1/2 months have passed. The struggles Mom has gone through have been monumental. Although the legal power struggle has subsided, it is clear that she is a stronger person through all this. She has been able to become independant. She is able to look after not only daily visits to Dad in the hospital, buy look after the house and it's regular needs. If only she could let herself take a day off. She won't. I think the daily visits are the only thing that keeps her going sometimes.

Happy Birthday Dad. Although you didn't want anyone to make a fuss, we were so happy to see you. Daughter and I made a special trip in. It was so worth it.

May 16, 2006: Past Post...

2006-05-16T12:39:00.000-04:00

We had a family meeting with the hospital today. It was mostly a update rather than a decision making meeting. Physio and Occupational Therapy are all very happy with Dad's progress. I asked about the goal of getting him to eat. That too is being looked at and they (the speech pathologist) would like to try some liquids. Dad's been unable to swallow the thickened liquid they want him to try. It's not because he can't swallow, he just can't stand the taste. No matter what you say, he spits it out.

They weren't able to say when he will go home. That's a good thing. As long as he's making progress then he will stay and learn as much as he can. Most likely we're looking at a September date for his return to home.