Dad has passed...

Although Dad passed last night, it wasn't a tragedy. It was a relief. He would have hated to see himself in the last two years of his life. I hope, a relief now for Mom who has shed at least 10 years dealing with the difficulties. He is in a better place. The last two years was not his life. I said my goodbye some time ago. I went to visit the shell of his former self. Last night, he was at rest. He looked peaceful. He looked relieved.

Thank you...

Time has come to officially end the blog. It's now very hard to see Dad on a regular basis, which makes it even harder when I do go to see him. I get depressed for days after seeing him in his condition. I only hope God will take him in a kind manner and soon. It is a selfish request, but one that I know he would have wanted. He is gone. I need to move on. Mom still holds on to hope. She doesn't say it, but she still hopes. Someday, I'll look back on the experiences of the last few years and see how I've grown and matured because of it. I hope I can one day speak about Grandpa to Daughter without crumbling in hurt. I hope for a day that he doesn't enter my mind and I don't feel shame for not being able to do something, to have saved him.

State of cleanliness...

The home where Dad is living is under intense scrutiny. It is a franchise, one of the largest in this province. Because of issues at another facility, everything is being reviewed. All patients are now out of bed and being visually monitored by the nursing station. Dad used to get out of bed around 11:30pm, now he's out by 9:30am. The feeling of the building has changed. Staff are very aware of visitors and of potential problems.

I haven't seen Dad for a month or more. I just haven't been able to. Or made myself. I've pushed him further from me. But I haven't stopped thinking about him. Everyday. And Mom, too. Even while on vacation I thought of him. It doesn't ever stop. It hurts so much that I try to make myself numb. I try to stop feeling, but I can't.

Am I just a fu**ing asshole?

I have to ask myself if I'm acting like a total asshole. Why do I feel like my Mother should thank me when her life has been turned upside down? Crap. Why are we so dysfunctional? It's not just me, it's everyone. We're all messed up. I want to sleep so badly now, for several days.

Happy Mother's Day...

Although Mom doesn't want to speak to me right now, I'll wish her a Happy Mother's Day this way. It's been very difficult maintaining any kind of positive relationship with my Mother over the past few years. Because of the way she handles the stress, she make it difficult if not impossible for people to support her over a long period of time. She's more than kind to the support workers at the nursing home and the various hospital. A little thank you goes a long way. It energizes you and makes the little annoyances disappear.

So, Happy Mother's Day. I hope even though you have much to deal with, you can find some positive things in your life.

I wish I knew...

Time seems to pass so quickly. At times. We're in the midst of Spring, Summer is just around the corner. Time does pass so quickly. And yet, when I'm visiting Dad, time stands still. I watch him sleep for the most part. I watch him squirm in his wheelchair. I watch him. 30 minutes is forever, 60 minutes is an eternity. I can't wait to leave. I can't wait to go. I can't watch him like this much more. Where is my Dad? Where is he?

My Dad's spirit is dead. My Dad passed away from me. Only the body remains. A crumbling body. A body that should have succumbed months ago. A body that doesn't know it is time to go home. It's a lost body, looking for it's soul. You have served as a vessel for many years. You deserve a rest. You deserve to be reunited with your soul.

At the hospital for tests...

Dad needs to have a few tests done to see why his hemoglobin is low. Even though the home upped the iron levels, it's still on the low side.
The home doesn't do the test ans leaves it to the family to take the person to the hospital. Mom did not want to go by herself. I took the day off work and drove in this morning.

She was all panicked when I arrived to get her. We got Dad into the wheelchair taxi at the home. Got him to the hospital and in true fashion, we sit ans wait.

Dad lools like a body without spirit. He has no life in his eyes, and when you does manage to look, his eyes are vacant.

This is my father and this is what's become of my Mother's life.