Do people really think this way?

Dad's side of the family are pro acupuncture. Mom's indifferent verging on "this is crap". Brother is all about "alternative" medicine is the only way Dad is ever going to get better.

I believe in acupuncture. I've had it for my back, knees and shoulder. I've gone to the Chinese doctor for the herbs and other things that I don't want to know about.

Mom didn't want to continue the acupuncture (actually at this stage it's acupressure). Of course all of Dad's side, including brother, want the sessions to continue. I asked Mom to continue the session for me. I would like to see it through. She said if I wanted it then it was fine with her. She did ask that I be there for the session. I said okay. She said I trust you. With that said I feel an obligation to fulfill Mom's request. And I will.

One wonderful event that occurred was that Dad is being considered for long term rehabilitation instead of long term care (nursing home). The focus for him will be to provide him with the skills to be as independent as possible. This is great news.

I emailed brother to tell him about the rehab and the acupressure with respect to me being there. He said that the doctor only wanted my 2 aunts present at the most. Brother also said that if I go and the doctor doesn't return I'll know why. It sounds a lot like him talking to my mother and telling her if she doesn't do X Y and Z for Dad it will be on her conscious.

I wrote back that if the doctor chose not to return maybe it was because he was hesitant and leary of providing the service in a hospital. And by the way, just because the "doctor" says he was a neurosurgeon in a foreign country doesn't mean you were one. After all, I can't validate your claim.

I should have told him that perhaps this is why Mom doesn't want to talk to him. Perhaps this is why he gets the cold shoulder from every hospital staff he's ever come across. Perhaps I should have told him that he has no ability to function in society. Oh hell, I should have told him to piss off.

Time to reflect on the incredible progress...

I look back 3 months ago and recall where we were. At home, at the hospital for hours on end. Dad wasn't speaking. He quickly lost his ability to eat. He wasn't getting liquids orally. He wasn't able to go to the bathroom on his own. He deteriorated in a few days.

3 months later he's able to walk a few steps. He can speak a few sentences. It's exhausting for him, but he can do it. All this he's managed in the last 2 weeks. I'm hoping that the hospital will recommend a long term rehabilitation centre rather than a nursing home.

Mom too, has her good days and her bad days. As she says "I have no one to dump on except you". I take it, sometimes well, sometimes not so well. It's difficult see your mother/parent going through such turmoil that they can't even think any more.

We continue to hope and pray for continued progress.

Why do I bother...

Dad had an accupressure treatment on Saturday. From my observation it was very gentle, nothing invasive or destructive. Mom is already gearing up to accuse the accupuncture proponents of causing problems with Dad. She noticed that Dad is hanging his head low. I'm not sure what that means as I haven't seen it myself. She wanted me to call the sisters to find out what was done to him on Saturday. All she wants to do is cause a problem, not even giving the accupressure a chance. I went out on a limb for her, defended her to against my aunts and brother. If she wants to destroy the bridges that I've begun to build between the families then she can do that herself. I want no part of that behavior.

I'm ready to give up. I need some time for myself. I need some time with my own family. I've been stretching myself thin for the last 3 months. I want to take Dad home with me and walk away from all the fog that's clouding the air.

Back to work for the rest of us...

As the Christmas season draws to an end, it's back to work for the rest of us. I can't see Dad as often but I'll still manage some time during the week and on the weekend. Dad has made tremendous progress this week. He's working with the physiotherapist and is able to stand with some assistance. I helped get him in the bed and the nurse asked Dad to stand up. We didn't have much weight, mostly holding on him for balance. He's also speaking more. The flip side to more speaking is it's very frustrating for him (and us). He wants to and is trying to speak, but the words at most times comes out mumbled and garbled. He's using his right arm and hand more. He's gesturing with both hands. He's also responding to questions better and more often. I think he's starting to make some brain/body connections that he wasn't ready for before.

One thing that started happening was that he started crying. I was speaking with him and telling him about Daughter. I told him of the hockey game we went to. He was smiling and laughing. At one point his face changed and he started to cry. He put his hand over his eyes so that I couldn't see him cry and that he couldn't me seeing him. I've only ever seen Dad cry once before - when he told me he had cancer 20 years ago. I didn't tell Mom if that event. But it happened the next day with Mom in the room. Dad asked how Daughter was and then started crying. Mom thought is was awful. I think the opposite. He's letting out his emotions. He's displaying his emotions. I'd rather see him smile, laugh and cry than to see nothing at all.

Given that we've now past the 11 weeks point, Dad's made huge gains in the last 2 weeks. I keep reminding Mom of his progress. Mom can only ask if I think Dad will recover. Mom can only see the negatives. Look beyond that Mom and see all the positives. This is what Dad gave me.

Quiet conversation with Dad...

I had the wonderful pleasure of spending some time with Dad alone. Often when I go it's with Mom or there are other family members around.

Dad was able to (ans wanted to) be in a wheelchair. I took him on a small walk on the floor. We stopped by a quiet area and looked out the window to see the newly fallen snow. I have to admit I haven't really spoken with Dad in a few years. Beyond the usualy "hi how are things", "How are the kids", etc, I haven't spoken at a deeper layer for a while. I took this opportunity to connect.

I asked if he was comfortable. If he was having a good day. It seemed like he was moaning, but really he was trying to speak. It's just that the words in his head arent' making it past his mouth. He can't form the words physically in his mouth yet. He can say a few words, but one syllable words are what's most common. He kept shaking he head "no". What was he trying to say. Are you tired of all the fighting - yes. I told him I knew he was the peacekeeper between Mom and brother. I told him that I was trying to be the peacekeeper, but it was very difficult. He nodded. I told him that he granddaughter has taling it very hard. She missed him (this is brothers daughter). I know they shared a lot of special time together. I told him he needed to get better so that she can tell him all the things that she's been saving for him to hear. He nodded. I told him I was doing my best to look after Mom. She's holding it together, but it has not been easy to have your whole life turned upside down. He nodded.

He moved the arm that hasn't moved much in 10 weeks and stroked he head. That's great Dad, you're moving your arm. I said "I hope you're proud of me, I'm doing my best to hold everything together for you. I'm taking care of Mom so don't worry about her. The house is fine and I'll make sure the care gets taken out every few weeks. I'm trying to keep peace between Mom and brother. It's difficult. I hope I'm doing what you want". He turned his head to be and looked directly in my eyes. He nodded.

The conversation continued. I couldn't make out what he was saying. I wanted to know. I wanted to understand. He took my hand in his and placed it on his forehead. He was trying so hard to communicate. I wanted to jump into his brain and hear his words. I wanted to understand.

Dad is still all there, mentally. He knows what's going on. He knows about the fighting. He knows he needs to get better.

He will.