Thank you...

Time has come to officially end the blog. It's now very hard to see Dad on a regular basis, which makes it even harder when I do go to see him. I get depressed for days after seeing him in his condition. I only hope God will take him in a kind manner and soon. It is a selfish request, but one that I know he would have wanted. He is gone. I need to move on. Mom still holds on to hope. She doesn't say it, but she still hopes. Someday, I'll look back on the experiences of the last few years and see how I've grown and matured because of it. I hope I can one day speak about Grandpa to Daughter without crumbling in hurt. I hope for a day that he doesn't enter my mind and I don't feel shame for not being able to do something, to have saved him.

State of cleanliness...

The home where Dad is living is under intense scrutiny. It is a franchise, one of the largest in this province. Because of issues at another facility, everything is being reviewed. All patients are now out of bed and being visually monitored by the nursing station. Dad used to get out of bed around 11:30pm, now he's out by 9:30am. The feeling of the building has changed. Staff are very aware of visitors and of potential problems.

I haven't seen Dad for a month or more. I just haven't been able to. Or made myself. I've pushed him further from me. But I haven't stopped thinking about him. Everyday. And Mom, too. Even while on vacation I thought of him. It doesn't ever stop. It hurts so much that I try to make myself numb. I try to stop feeling, but I can't.

Am I just a fu**ing asshole?

I have to ask myself if I'm acting like a total asshole. Why do I feel like my Mother should thank me when her life has been turned upside down? Crap. Why are we so dysfunctional? It's not just me, it's everyone. We're all messed up. I want to sleep so badly now, for several days.

Happy Mother's Day...

Although Mom doesn't want to speak to me right now, I'll wish her a Happy Mother's Day this way. It's been very difficult maintaining any kind of positive relationship with my Mother over the past few years. Because of the way she handles the stress, she make it difficult if not impossible for people to support her over a long period of time. She's more than kind to the support workers at the nursing home and the various hospital. A little thank you goes a long way. It energizes you and makes the little annoyances disappear.

So, Happy Mother's Day. I hope even though you have much to deal with, you can find some positive things in your life.

I wish I knew...

Time seems to pass so quickly. At times. We're in the midst of Spring, Summer is just around the corner. Time does pass so quickly. And yet, when I'm visiting Dad, time stands still. I watch him sleep for the most part. I watch him squirm in his wheelchair. I watch him. 30 minutes is forever, 60 minutes is an eternity. I can't wait to leave. I can't wait to go. I can't watch him like this much more. Where is my Dad? Where is he?

My Dad's spirit is dead. My Dad passed away from me. Only the body remains. A crumbling body. A body that should have succumbed months ago. A body that doesn't know it is time to go home. It's a lost body, looking for it's soul. You have served as a vessel for many years. You deserve a rest. You deserve to be reunited with your soul.

At the hospital for tests...

Dad needs to have a few tests done to see why his hemoglobin is low. Even though the home upped the iron levels, it's still on the low side.
The home doesn't do the test ans leaves it to the family to take the person to the hospital. Mom did not want to go by herself. I took the day off work and drove in this morning.

She was all panicked when I arrived to get her. We got Dad into the wheelchair taxi at the home. Got him to the hospital and in true fashion, we sit ans wait.

Dad lools like a body without spirit. He has no life in his eyes, and when you does manage to look, his eyes are vacant.

This is my father and this is what's become of my Mother's life.

Painfree babysitting...

How long will a pain free babysitting gig last? Two days. Brother gave Mom the old one-two. Yelling at her because she needs to take Dad to the hospital for tests next week. I warned her he would do this. Where is his wife in all of this? Oh yeah, she goes to work while he does nothing. My parents were so good to her and then she turns around and does nothing to help them. She and Brother deserve each other. Mom doesn't get it, they will continue to take advantage of her, pushing her around. And she's willing to take it.

Only want help when needed...

Brother and his wife asked Mom to babysit the kids. Seems their babysitter is going away for an extended absence. Mom said she would commit for 3 weeks. No mention of payment, no offer, no request. She has to take the bus there or walk. I told her that if brother disrespects her, she should stop immediately. It's all going to explode.

I haven't gone to see Dad in the last few weeks. I've either had to work or we've been really busy. I have a day off owing, maybe I'll take a trip in.

Weddings...

Partner and I went to a wedding last night. It could have been daughter's 15 years from now. The sad part is, I don't think Dad or Mom will be there. I can't imagine Dad alive in 5 years time, but you never know. He survived what I though would have been his last days and weeks. I'm not sure about Mom, does she have the will to want to go on?

Is anyone there...

Dad doesn't know when or who's been to visit. I know Mom was there the day before, but he doesn't remember. What is going on in his mind? He sits and looks, soon to fall asleep. He doesn't speak. If he does, it's only on word here and there. Perhaps you'll get a "yes". Perhaps he'll tell you he wants to go home. This is reality. This is his life. This is Mom's life too. What happened to the big trip. What happened to the retirement life. It will never be.

It's cold out there...

It's cold here. My car is acting up. Not sure if I'll be able to make the 45 minute trip into the city to see Dad this weekend. If I don't have the car looked at, it'll mean trouble. I need the car.

Rumours - Just like Hollywood...

Seems someone feels like spreading rumours.

Apparently my Dad's brother, Uncle M, has been telling people that my Mom rarely sees my Dad and when she does, it's only for a few hours. He was doing this a some function. However, he didn't realize that my Mom's brother, Uncle C, was at the same function and overheard the conversation. Uncle C pulled Uncle M aside and let him have it. Hopefully some of the correct information made it through to Uncle M's thick head.

Now the question is, all this took place out of the country where my Uncle M lives. The only way he could have been mis-informed of my Mother's visitation to my Dad is through some family members. So, who is telling fibs? My bet is on Brother or Dad's sisters. If you're going to talk about Mom and Dad, tell the real story. But, like Hollywood, everyone likes good gossip.

Depression...

I've come to realize that I've been depressed for the last few months. It has been a gradual process, this depression. Dad's situation has been on my mind constantly. Is this his life? Is this my mother's life? What is to become of either of them? Is this my future? What if my partner had a stroke like Dad's? What would become of my life? What about Daughter? What if? What if? What if?

Long time hello...

Happy New Year to those observing Chinese calendar. It's been many months since posting anything. Not much has changed except the passage of time. Christmas and birthdays have come and gone. Some days are better than others. Some visits are better than others. Nothing much has changed. Nothing much is different. I don't expect much to change either.