Am I just a fu**ing asshole?

I have to ask myself if I'm acting like a total asshole. Why do I feel like my Mother should thank me when her life has been turned upside down? Crap. Why are we so dysfunctional? It's not just me, it's everyone. We're all messed up. I want to sleep so badly now, for several days.

Happy Mother's Day...

Although Mom doesn't want to speak to me right now, I'll wish her a Happy Mother's Day this way. It's been very difficult maintaining any kind of positive relationship with my Mother over the past few years. Because of the way she handles the stress, she make it difficult if not impossible for people to support her over a long period of time. She's more than kind to the support workers at the nursing home and the various hospital. A little thank you goes a long way. It energizes you and makes the little annoyances disappear.

So, Happy Mother's Day. I hope even though you have much to deal with, you can find some positive things in your life.

I wish I knew...

Time seems to pass so quickly. At times. We're in the midst of Spring, Summer is just around the corner. Time does pass so quickly. And yet, when I'm visiting Dad, time stands still. I watch him sleep for the most part. I watch him squirm in his wheelchair. I watch him. 30 minutes is forever, 60 minutes is an eternity. I can't wait to leave. I can't wait to go. I can't watch him like this much more. Where is my Dad? Where is he?

My Dad's spirit is dead. My Dad passed away from me. Only the body remains. A crumbling body. A body that should have succumbed months ago. A body that doesn't know it is time to go home. It's a lost body, looking for it's soul. You have served as a vessel for many years. You deserve a rest. You deserve to be reunited with your soul.

At the hospital for tests...

Dad needs to have a few tests done to see why his hemoglobin is low. Even though the home upped the iron levels, it's still on the low side.
The home doesn't do the test ans leaves it to the family to take the person to the hospital. Mom did not want to go by herself. I took the day off work and drove in this morning.

She was all panicked when I arrived to get her. We got Dad into the wheelchair taxi at the home. Got him to the hospital and in true fashion, we sit ans wait.

Dad lools like a body without spirit. He has no life in his eyes, and when you does manage to look, his eyes are vacant.

This is my father and this is what's become of my Mother's life.