New Year's Eve...

Dad came home from the hospital yesterday. Didn't make it in time for Christmas, but he made it home to ring in the New Year. He looked unhappy, it was more confused maybe or a combination. Maybe the anti-depressant medication will make a difference. We need to find something for him do to, something to occupy himself. That's the objective of 2007. Glad to have you home again Dad. Maybe your other son will visit with the grand kids.

Christmas note...

It was a letter, really a note, from Mom on Christmas. It was a single page in her beauttiful cursive. It was a thank you for the times throughout the year when she didn't think she could make it. She didn't have the strength to continue. She didn't have the wisdom to make decisions. There were times when she needed an ear to scream at, a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board. For all those times she said thank you. For all those times I was able to help her. For all those times, she was able to continue. For all those times, thank you.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas in the hospital...

How do you make merry in the hospital? Dad is obviously depressed about being in the hospital. He hardly spoke a word. However, I noticed that his right hand is shaking quite a bit. More than two weeks ago. His frame of mind is reminiscent of when this all began. I wonder is something happened? Another stroke perhaps? Makes you wonder. He is walking a little bit now. We almost have to force him to walk as he doesn't want to get out of bed. He is supposed to be home on Thursday, but we'll see.

How I failed my parents...

Christmas is a few days away and the year is closing soon. We end the year as it began with Dad in the hospital. Mom feeling like all hope is lost. Dad not wanting to go on. How did I fail my parents? Not supporting enough? Not providing enough time for them? Not being able to solve all there problems and challenges? What can I say to either of them at this point? There's always hope? You'll get stronger and be home soon? I don't believe it myself. I've lost hope. I don't even hope anymore.

Guilt trip...

It's difficult this week. Dad's in the hospital. No one has gone to see him from his side of the family. I was able to go Monday but not since. I was planning to go on Sunday, but after a phone call from Mom I'll go in today (Saturday). We have guest in from England so it's a bit difficult to leave, but family first I suppose. Any hoo, Mom was upset that not one of Dad's sisters came to visit him. Brother hasn't been much help either. He was supposed to relay the information but did not. He said Mom told him not to. She called him a liar. Wouldn't it be great to have a family like the ones on TV? No the ones now on reality TV. But the ones from "Happy Days" or "Leave It To Beaver"? I know, the mother figure was slogging back the booze in the kitchener, but at least they all looked normal.

Too familiar surroundings...

I went to visit Dad in the hospital today. The same drive after work, the same parking spot, the same elevator, the same ward. The only change is he's in a different bed. The hospital smells the same. It's very distinct. I've spent many hours there. Many hours. Many weeks. Many months.

Dad doesn't want to be there. He kept saying "I don't want to be here. I want to go home. Your Mom said it was okay for me to go home." What could I say. I would feel the same.

powered by performancing firefox

powered by performancing firefox

Dad on his own...

Dad's spirits have taken a turn. He wants to live alone he has told Mom. She's devastated. I know it's Dad feeling that he doesn't want to be a burden to anyone. He'd rather live alone than to subject people to having to live his situation. I'd feel the same way. Some how, we need to give Dad purpose again. Find some thing that will give him a reason to get up in the morning. Brother of course is feeding on this and is telling Mom that he's given up the will to live and that he wants to be on his own because she's too controlling. Brother says Dad needs his independence. I don't think living on his own is going to give him independence. He'll need constant care. Who's going to visit him? Not his sisters or Brother.

powered by performancing firefox

Low hemoglobin...

Dad had some blood work done as part of a regular visit to his GP on Thursday. His doctor called Friday, concerned about his hemoglobin levels. Also the tests indicated that he had some liver and kidney problems. His GP suggested he get to emergency immediately. Mom was freaking out over this. I said it was just a precaution that GP wanted to take. Mom called 911 and got to the hospital by 3:00pm. I left work early and decided that rather than go home and immediately hop in the car to head to the hospital, I was going to look after my family first. Have dinner, share your day and then I'll head to the hospital.



I arrived just before 8:00pm. Mom was in the emergency room waiting for Dad to return from his x-ray's. I asked my Aunt to take her home and I'd stay with Dad. At 10:30pm the emerg doctor arrived and said that he would be requesting 2 units of blood for Dad due to the alarmingly low level of hemoglobin. As well, he requested the specialist to see Dad. By 1:00am we were in the acute care section with a unit of B+ in the transfusion process. The specialist showed up and said that it looks like Dad was losing blood somewhere. He was going to get Dad admitted, adding another unit of blood (a total of three), and a possible scope over the next few days to see where the blood loss could be occurring. This is Mom's opportunity to re-energize her batteries. Dad will be taken care of by the hospital so no worries there. I told her to go out and do things she's wanted to do over the last few months that have been impossible.

powered by performancing firefox

Break...

Unlike Mom, I had a break this weekend. Usually I would go into the city to see Mom and Dad. Mom would get a chance to get out and I'd stay and look after Dad. Since Mom told me not to come I didn't. So the weekend was one great lazy day. We planted the rose plants that arrived from the nursery and put out the Christmas lights.

powered by performancing firefox

You don't have to come if it's a burden...

Mom's never change do they? I've been going to Mom and Dad's every weekend since Dad got home. It was to give Mom a chance to get out of the house at least once. She called tonight to say not to bother coming on Saturday because it's a burden. The thing is, I don't see them during the week anymore since brother started the physiotherapy. So now I don't see them at all. I have to admit I was in a bad mood when I got there, but it was because my aunt (Mom's sister) started in on me as soon as I got through the door. If she would've just backed off a little it would have been manageable. Can't win this one.

So where to from here...

Dad has made incredible progress from a year ago when we thought the worst. I wonder now, about quality of life. What is it that Dad wants. What is it that Mom wants. It seems that we've been able to provide him with the necessities, but that's obviously not enough. What is Dad suppose to do with his days. Everyone needs purpose. Dad is no different. Daughter is going to be asking Dad about how the family got to Canada. It will give him a challenge to recall and it will give daughter a chance to learn about the family. I thought about Dad making something for charity, perhaps necklaces or bracelets type things. It may help with developing his dexterity as well. He used to buy Teddy bears at Christmas time for the charities and donate them.

Depression...

Dad is struggling with depression. He won't admit it, but you can see it on his face how unhappy he is. I can't blame him. It's not uncommon for retired men and women to get depressed after they've stopped working. Dad was a typical bread winner male. His purpose was to make sure the family was taken care of. He provided the income and fixed the house. He took Mom out grocery shopping and made sure all the bills were paid. But now, after retiring and after the stroke he isn't capable of doing there things. I can tell on his face that he doesn't know what his purpose is. He spends the days sitting watching television. Since he got sick he isn't able to walk much as he's so weak still. And the weather isn't great outside so taking him in the wheelchair for a walk isn't possible. So... what can Dad do that will give him a sense of purpose. He needs something to look forward to. He needs something that will make him want to get out of bed.

• http://www.helpguide.org
• http://www.thedoctorwillseeyounow.com
• http://www.thedailystar.com

Physiotherapy for Dad...

Dad's on a waiting list for the day treatment physiotherapy. He's #17. No telling when he'll start. Mom took the initiative and wanted to get Dad a private physio to come in. She asked Brother who tried to get someone to see Dad when he was in the hospital, barely able to move and comprehend. It wasn't appropriate then, but would be perfect now. Bonus is that the physio guy will come to the house for $30/hour. He's not licensed, but practiced in his home country. Brother at least will feel like he's contributed something and maybe will ease off Mom and stop berating her and blaming her for Dad's situation.

Because Brother won't go to the house if I'm there, I'll only go on the weekend for the next few weeks. The physio guy gets a ride with Brother to Mom and Dad's. So no Brother, no physio guy. I couldn't care less, but for Mom I'll stay back for now. You pick and choose your battles. This one is no biggie. Unless the unlicensed physio guy does some damage to Dad.

A touch of pneumonia...

Dad's cold got progressively worse on the weekend. When I was there on Tuesday evening, a doctor came by and said Dad most likely had a touch of pneumonia. He was given some antibiotics the day before, and it would take three days before he would see improvement. One of the results of the antibiotics is diarrhea. I remember this from Daughter's few illnesses. I was helping Mom with Dad in the bedroom, when he said he had to pee. He was so week that getting him to the bathroom wasn't an option. We used the urinal bottle instead. Dad said he was done, but he hadn't done anything. Mom asked if he wanted to try again. He said yes. Except he then said "I pooed". It was everywhere, diarrhea. On the bed, on his pants, on the floor. It took the two of us half an hour to clean up. There was atleast 5 loads of laundry to do. I never expected to have to clean up my parent. But things have changed in the last year. Things are very different.

Brother knows more than the doctors... again

Mom called Thursday all in a panic because Dad had as fever.
Me: What's his temperature, Mom?
Mom: It's 38.4C.
Me: Oh, I said, I think it's just above normal.
Mom: what's normal?
Me: Let me google it. It's usually 37C but can range from 36.1 - 37.8 °C
Mom: Does he have a fever?
Me: If you didn't know what the normal temerature was, why do you think he has a fever?
Mom: The site around his g-tube is oozing a bit and it smells funny.
Me: He might have a slight infection, he's been fighting a cold for the last week, so that might be it
Mom: I called TeleHealth and they told me to get him to Emergency, but the last time we went when his g-tube came out, we stayed there for 10 hours.
Me: Anything other than a lost limb and you're going to stay 10 hours at least
Mom: What should I do?
Me: I'd wait a few hours and then take his temperature again. I'm sure it's nothing.
Mom: Ok.

So Mom ends up calling Brother because she wanted him to take his temperature in case her thermometer was broken. He tells her how she is abusing him because she won't let him use a stationary bicycle. And that he should use the treadmill downstairs. Brother verbally abuses her infront of Dad. Dad doesn't say anything. Mom sends me a CC of an email to Brother. She says in her email how disrespectfull he's been especially over the last year since Dad has been in the hospital. It really started long before Dad got sick, but this has just made it worse. She noted in the email that he has never stopped by the house to see how she's doing. She reminded him how she looked after the kids (for free while he stayed home not working). She told him to return the key to the house and that if he won't she'll have the locks changed. She told him God is watching and what goes around, comes around.

I'm sure he'll just laugh it off as Mom. Dad needs to step up to the plate and voice his disapproval on this matter. If I never see my Brother again, so be it. Nothing lost.

Dad's starting to make sure he's looking out for himself...

Apparently Brother wanted to bring Dad over to his house on Sunday. Dad asked if the kids and Brother's wife were still sick. Brother said his wife was still ill. Dad said perhaps next week then. This is because the prior week, Brother took Dad over to his house even though both kids and wife were sick. As a result Dad got a cold. Not something he needs right now.

He's making great progress. He looks great and I can see his stamina is getting better.

I was to take him to the doctor and bank today, I took the day off work. However, the doctor called in sick. I'll take him and Mom to the bank and Sears to get some better slippers.

:)

Weekend visits...

I ususally go to see Mom and Dad on Saturday's. If I have Daughter that weekend, then she will come along. This Saturday was no different. Except when we walked in to the house, there was Dad sitting in his same old chair. The music was playing loudly. He was reading the newspaper. I just stood there staring. It was as if the whole year the we just endured had never happenned. Except for the feeding tube and the pole holding the feed, I could have sworn the old Dad was back.
We spent a nice afternoon with my parents. We had lunch and then Mom went to church with my Aunt. We stayed with Dad, I gave him his meds and feed at 5:30pm.

One thing to note, one of his sisters called and left a message. Dad knows when the phone rings. He knows who leaves a message. My aunt called my brother to tell him her calls were not being returned. My brother promptly goes to see Dad to find out why he hasn't called her back. The fact is, he doesn't want to speak to her he says... "she talks crap". I think alot of it has to do with the way she and her family treated their Mother who was living with my aunt. At the time my grandmother found out my cousin was drinking a lot of wine in the basement. When confronted, my cousin told my grandmother to get out of the house and proceeded to make her leave. Neither my aunt or uncle tried to resolve the issue. My grandmother ended up leaving and staying with my father and mother until she was able to get into a seniors building. My grandmother had to get a job making sandwiches to make ends meet. So Aunt, it's not because my mother is preventing my Dad from calling you, he just thinks you are "full of crap". You are a hypocrit. You claim to be a devout Catholic and yet you have treated you mother and brother without respect. Look at your own family and see how your daughter got her husband. His ex-wife tells a very different story about your lovely daughter.

We all have nasty little secrets, don't we.

Some familiar relationship habits...

I dropped by Mom and Dad's after work today. Dad was in the bedroom lying on the bed. Mom was washing up dishes. She started telling what a bad and nasty mood "your father" was in. He apparently snapped at her because she wouldn't give him a cookie. She made the mistake of taking him to the nearby mall. It's too far for her to push him in the walker. That's right - I said "walker". The kind with the seat, but not really meant for sitting in. I guess she thought it would be a nice walk. Except Dad walks very slowly. And tires quickly. So getting there was one thing. But then she had to get him home. Too far.

I took Dad to the same mall, except I drove us there. It gave Mom a chance to close her eyes. At least for an hour. He really enjoyed going for a stroll, looking around, seeing what was on sale. We bought 2 chocolate bars from the drugstore. He saw in the flyer "1 for 99 cents and the 2nd for 1 penny". It was a bargain for sure. And Dad loves a good bargain.

One year ago...

I had moved to away to a smaller city about 45 minutes away. I was commuting by train to get to work. Getting to see Mom and Dad was hit or miss as we were trying to still get settled into the new house. Daughter was adjusting to her new school. The three of us were adjusting to living together.

Dad was already feeling that things were not right. He decided that he wasn't going to drive anymore. He was doing less walking. He seemed so much older to me than last time I saw him.

Mom's on her own and doing well...

Called Mom this morning to see how things went since I left yesterday afternoon. I didn't call last night on purpose so she could feel some confidence in doing things on her own. She didn't mention any problems. It will be difficult for her getting sleep as Dad gets up several times in the night to go to the bathroom. She was always a bit of an insomniac. No mention of any issues with brother, so I presume it went well. It also gave her a chance to close her eyes while he was out.

A stroke such as what afflicted Dad has resulted in much of his faculties at reduced capacity. I realize that his comprehension is slower and his understanding is limited. He is remembering more as time goes on. And maybe that is what it will take... time.

Leaving Mom and Dad...

After spending several days helping both Mom and Dad with the adjustment of coming home, I was confident that they each had the will to make it work. Dad is determined to get stronger. He wants continue to do the exercises, even doing a few extra repetitions. Mom is able to handle all the daily requirements that Dad will need. She needs only to calm down to be able to deal with the issue at hand.

Before I left I replaced the hand shower as the hose of the old one would pop out occasionally when in use. Dad may need one more grab bar in the bathroom. Brother should be able to handle that one without making a big fuss about it.

Mom needs to remember that no one can hurt you unless you let them. That means, brother can't push her around unless she lets him. If he is being an ass, ask him to leave. She owes him nothing. He has failed to support her and Dad over the last year. He has never called on her to see if she is okay, if she needs anything. He has been rude and insulting (telling your Mother to fuck off is not acceptable). His wife, after everything my parents have done for her, hasn't called or offered assistance. Now that Dad is home, brother wants to have a celebration at his house tonight for Dad's homecoming. Like he had anything to do with Dad's recovery. Such a shallow individual. You, brother, had nothing to do with Dad's recovery. You, brother, are an embarrassment to the family. You, brother, will remember this in many ways throughout your life.

Dad is home once again...

After almost a year, Dad come back home. Mom and I went to pick him up at the hospital yesterday. They said goodbyes with lots of smiles and a few tears. Mom was surprisingly calm, not what I expected. We arrived by 11:30am, and tried to settle down. Unpacked a few items (bedrail, walker, feeding bag pole). It was sort of a non-event to Dad. As far as I know, no offer of help from anyone else (brother or Dad's side of the family were absent of course). We got into the Meds and the feeding schedule. Figured out where and how to position Dad so he would be comfortable. After a long day we all went to bed for a well deserved sleep.

Dad is more comfortable going to the bathroom without people watching him and waiting for him. I don't blame him. He no longer has to rely on the nurses or support workers to get him to the bathroom. I went and got bagels from one of our favorite spots. It's been a year since he's had one. We took out the soft inside and buttered it for him. I think with the ability to feed him at any time, Dad will gain weight even faster.

His sister called but only said to Mom "Can I speak to please". No hello, no acknowledgement. I'm not sure if I would be brave enough to step foot in the house after what she and brother did with trying to get POA.

Brother wanted to come over but declined after learning I was here. I'm staying for a few days to help with the transition. Mom's got everything under control however.

Brother is having a dinner at his house, I suspect to "celebrate" Dad's return. He didn't invite Mom however. Or me (not that I care - he hates me for what ever reasons he has). I insisted to Mom that brother be aware of Dad's schedule and agree to it. Dad can leave after his meds at 5:00pm and return before 8:00pm for his final feeding. Mom still doesn't understand that she does not have to be a victim. If he doesn't agree, don't let brother take him. If brother screws up and doesn't return Dad, then don't let brother take him next time. It's simple isn't it? Just keep in mind what Dad wants as well. Quality of life. For everyone.

This division is the result of a disagreement on the use of accupuncture. We agreed to accupressure (no needles), but when they wanted to persue needles, Mom and I didn't think this was the right time.

Dad is finally able to resolve the condo issue. He kept talking about condos, but it was for the future. The social worker at the hospital told him that the maintenance fees on the condo would be much higher than the operating costs of the house as it's mortgage free.

I'm very proud of Mom and Dad for getting through the last year.

Dad's coming home...

It's been a while since the past post. Dad will be coming home on September 29, 2006. Almost 1 full year since the stroke. He's made the most incredible progress. He's done more than anyone ever thought possible. He's able to walk with the use of a walker. He can go up and down stairs with assistance. He's getting his memory back. There are times when time is needed to heal. This is one of those times. The brain can recover, but in cases like this, the mind needs time. When the mind starts to mend, the body follows easily. Dad's pushed himself very hard, with concentrated determination. The hospital has been instrumental in getting Dad back on his feet. But really, the single person that is responsible for Dad's recovery is Mom. She hasn't missed a day (except for the public transit strike) going to see Dad. She has been the one to get on the therapists whould something not go right. She's has been the one to feed day, slowly and daily. No one else has done this. Cheers Mom, you've done a hell of a job.

There were a few things that were suggested with the house. Small things like a grab bar in the bathroom, non-skid strips on the bathroom floor, a handrail outside by the stairs and a gate to block the stairs to the basement. Of these things she asked Brother to put up the grab bar and install the outside handrail. Brother came back saying he could find such a handrail for the outside. Mom told me and I went to Home Depot only to find all sorts of handrails. She told Brother that I found them at Home Depot, to which he responded - "since you're being such a pain in the ass, I'm only going to do the bathroom grab bar". Well, I found a no rust aluminum handrail for the outside. I installed it and it looks great. See big Brother, you're an ass.

Dad's been doing very well at the walking. Today he did 8 laps around the ward, 80 squats, 2 sets of stairs (up and down) and one lap walking with me helping (no walker). Incredible.

The evil sisters have been inquiring about getting him a recliner chair. They don't even realize that he's not strong enough to get out of the chair as once they are reclined, it takes some strength to push it back. Hey girls - just pass over the cash and leave.

One evil sister sent an invitation to her grandchildren's celebration dinner. Just an excuse to show off infront of a bunch of so called close friends. She sent the invite to Dad alone. Why don't these people smarten up. Either invite Mom and Dad or don't invite at all. Bitch.

I told Mom that she has to make sure people call before coming over. No doubt the evil sisters will just show up and expect Mom to roll over while they are visiting.

Daughter is very excited about Grandpa coming home.

Preparing for home visit...

Dad's made enough progress that we can consider a weekend home visit. This will allow Mom some time to adjust to his presence in the house and the changes that will need to occur. I told her that we could arrange a weekend and I would stay over to help out.

Dad's ability to balance continues to be his biggest challenge. He can walk with the assistance of a walker without a problem. He can balance on his own for two minutes without any assistance. He can even balance on his own with his eyes clothes. He can go up and down steps - three flights. The hospital is gearing up to get him home. The assessment at the house by the hospital indicated a few issues, but nothing unexpected. Mom's getting a little anxious about Dad's return to home, but I'm sure it's what she'd prefer.

Hospitals and vacations...

Everyone deserves a vacation. Those that work at the hospital doing rehabilitation included. Due to the intense workload of the therapists, I bet they can't wait to get away. Dad's primary physiotherapist is away for three weeks. Oh, and he got married, so I guess he's entitled to the time off. He deserves it, they all do. They work hard at often times not very rewarding sessions. For most people, the payoff is not in a single session or month. It's over years. Dad will be benifiting from these sessions for the rest of his life. It's hard to see that when you appear to be working with the same person day after day.

Dad's got this obsession with bowel movements. He only wants Mom to change him rather than have to wait on the support workers to change him. He gets upset if he hasn't had a bowel movement by the time Mom is ready to leave.

The last week and a half, there has been a viral infection on the floor. At one point visitors had to wear gown and mask. It's mostly over now, no new infections. However, patients were not allowed to leave the floor. Dad and Mom haven't been able to enjoy the warm outdoor weather.

Difficult day... the good and the bad

Mom asked me to join her for a meeting today with the speech pathologist. We discuss the results of the swallow test that Dad had yesterday. I had planned on taking today and tomorrow off as I've been working weekends and pulling 16 hour days in the last 3 weeks. I needed some down time. Alas, whatever I had planned for today was quickly erased.

I arrived at the hospital at 1:30pm. Dad was supposed to have his Occupational Therapy, but she never showed up. Our meeting was for 3:00pm. Dad was feeling a bit tired from sitting so we laid him in his bed to rest. I took Mom to the cafeteria for a late lunch. Never go to the caf after lunch rush. What's left is reheated and gross. When we went back up to see Dad, he was in the middle of his Occupational Therapy session. It was remarkable to see his determination. I could feel tears well up in my eyes. I was dumbfounded. Dad was playing catch and moving his feet. The idea was to make him shift from two feet to one foot and still maintain his balance. It was incredible to see him in action. Once they were done it was time to go to the meeting.

It was clear that he was having trouble swallowing. There was at times, more often than not, coughing accompanying the eating of food. That's always a sign that the swallowing is not going well. The test he had the day prior was a barium test. He swallowed a liquid or food and they watched. He didn't do very well. The tester stopped early as he was choking and she didn't feel comfortable carrying on. The hospital wanted us to know that his swallowing wasn't safe. There is a risk involved if we continue to feed him. He is aspirating which could lead to pneumonia. Dad got that at the last hospital, not from eating, and it set him back weeks. The hospital won't tell him to stop. It's about quality of life. Remarkable. They know that it's his (and the family's) decision as to stop or continue the food intake. Dad for the longest time didn't know what to decide. He kept looking at Mom to tell him. But ultimately he decided to continue. He's been eating for 6 weeks now and hasn't shown any sign of aspiration. He feels it's a low risk. He'd like to continue.

I also agree to continue. We need to monitor what to eat. Brother had given him some bread last Sunday according to Dad. That's a big wrong as the bread is rather difficult to swallow and can get into his lungs. We should continue with the congee. We also got 2 exercises to do. Must be done daily. DAILY. I wish I could be there every day to go through the exercises with him, but I can't.

Good day and bad day.

Fantastic...

I dropped by the hospital unexpectedly today. I worked most of the weekend and as today was supposed to be a statutory holiday (and I ended up having to work), I left early. Mom was feeding Dad his usual mashed banana and congee (rice porridge). I sat with them and fed Dad a bit. I asked Mom if I could help Dad walk a bit today as the therapists were not in and he'd miss a day of walking. There were no walkers available, so Dad walked by holding on to the railing on his left side (his stronger side). I was astounded as he walked with a quick pace. Mom followed behind with the wheelchair just in case. He moved with confidence and assurance. As he neared a part of the wall where there was no railing, Dad didn't miss a beat and passed quickly to the next railing. We made a 1/2 lap around the hospital floor. We stopped at Dad's room because his second lunch was ready.

Dad is very determined to get back as much as he can. I have no doubt he's going to make it.

New bikes...

I got new bikes for Daughter and me. The weekend was an expensive $500 in replacements. It had to be done though. I couldn't let a summer go by without biking for the two of us. I'll have to take pictures of the bikes and record the serial numbers.

Stolen...

This is more about what life is about sometimes. Our bikes that were stored in the shed were stolen. Someone last night broke into the shed, smashed the door and walked away with our 2 bikes. Daughter is going to be crushed. I don't know what to tell her. I don't want to be the one to tell her that some people are selfish and self-centered. Some people have no regard for others. They have no respect. In some ways, I have to at some point I have to tell Dad this as well. And this is the sad point in my life.

On the positive side...

I try my best to see something positive in situations. Even in the darkest moments. It's at best challenging. Dad's been getting upset because of what's Mom's been through. He feels horrible that all the responsibility is on Mom's shoulders now. I tell him that because of this situation, Mom has stretched her wings and has the confidence to make things happen that she wouldn't have been able to do 8 months ago. She can stand up to the doctors and nurses where she feels there needs to be clarification. She can manage all aspects of the house. She can use a cell phone. Yes. It's been very difficult on Mom. There have been times that I couldn't take the strain in her voice. But I look at her now in a different light. And Dad must too. These are the positive things that have come about.

Dad is looking good today. He's getting better every day. It's hard for him to realize his progress because he has no point of reference. I remind him often on his great achievements. He needs to be proud of what he has done in the last 4 months.

Father's Day...

Tomorrow is Father's Day.

Someone from Marketing created this day. I don't recall seeing it on t he greco-roman calendar from 200BC. So what does this mean, this Father's Day. The designated moment in the calendar year where we pay respect and reflect on the person we call "Father". Daughter uses the Father's Day moment to make nice cards to three father's in her life. Biological (me), step-father (Ex's newish husband) and step-father (biological father's partner). But what does Father's Day mean for me this year.

In the past I recall giving Dad a huge poster with "Happy Father's Day" written on it using pennies. There were the obligatory ties, handy man tools, books, videos and such. Today, this year, I'm not sure what would be appropriate. What could I possibly give a man who fights everyday with his disability? He fights to get better. He fights so he won't be a burden on his wife. He fights so he may leave the hospital and return to the comforts of a home he doesn't remember. Maybe this is the day to respect and honour a man who has struggled in the past year against something we can't see.

This Father's Day is different from any other Father's Day. This is a Father's Day to be in awe of my Father for what he has accomplished.

Time for Mom...

I took Mom for breakfast on Saturday and then spent the day at the hospital before heading home. I think she really liked having some of the attention on her. She deserves a bit of that. After 8 months of Dad's illness, she's come out to be an extremely strong person. Don't let her small stature fool you. You should have seen her arm wrestle me for the bill.

It's just noise...

I went to visit Dad last week. I usually go Tuesday or Wednesday depending on my schedule. I never go Thursday because I know my Aunt goes that evening. She's the one who tried to get Power of Attorney" with Brother. So last week it was Wednesday. I arrived at 4:45pm. Dad was sleeping but opened his eyes shortly after I sat down. We chatted. Laughed a bit and talked about what kind of father he had. At 5:50pm my aunt shows up. I was disappointed that she was interrupting my visit with him. I was clenching my teeth since I wanted to tell her the grief that she caused my family. But she wouldn'e even hear what I had to say because I know she, and my other aunts, are self-centred and selfish individuals. As it stands, visit's from the sisters have dwindled off as there are other things in life for them. Excpet for this sister who has no life or family of her own. Instead I shut my mouth and waited hoping that she would disappear. I kept my attention on Dad and ignored aunt. She better not cause any trouble at Mom and Dad's house once Dad gets out of the hospital. If she wants to visit she'll have to enter Mom's home and I won't permit her to cause any issues.

Bitch.


-

Little time...

I've settled into a schedule. During the work week I see Dad on either Tuesday or Wednesday depending on which evening I have Daughter. I leave home at 6:00am to beat the traffic into the city and then head to Rehab Hospital at 4:00pm. I arrive at about 4:45pm and stay until 6:30pm when I head home, missing the traffic. It makes for a long day but it's the least I can do. I'll see Dad next on the weekend, either Saturday or Sunday depending on what's going on. It doesn't leave alot of time left to see Mom. I'm sure she's resentful that all the attention is on Dad. She deserves some time as well. I'll see if I can swing going in early Saturday morning and take her for her favourite breakfast.

Visits with Dad...

The time I spend with Dad is great. We talk. I tell him about my day. How Daughter is doing in school. But he usually asks about her and school, when vacation is. What things she likes to do. To spend time with Dad just talking is something we've never done. Even though he's not the Dad I knew before October 15, 2006 he's still my Dad. I will always love and care for him.

All caught up...

I guess I could have posted more. I would have described the tortured tone of my mother's voice. How she anguished that she didn't have the help and co-operation of both sides of the family. She's the real hero in all of this. There are those that should hang there heads down in shame for what they tried to do. Brother hadn't stepped foot in Mom and Dad's house for over 7 months. He hadn't called to see how she's doing, if she needs anything, does she need groceries, a ride to the hospital, perhaps she'd like to see the grandkids. It's shameful. It's family. At least it's mine.

Why this blog disappeared for a while...

There were some legal issues that arose. At the time I thought it was best to close this down. But I also didn't want the last 7 months to be lost. I'll recount what's happenned since the last post over time. Suffice to say... things are going well.


:)

May 31, 2006: 7 1/2 months

I can hardly believe 7 1/2 months have passed. The struggles Mom has gone through have been monumental. Although the legal power struggle has subsided, it is clear that she is a stronger person through all this. She has been able to become independant. She is able to look after not only daily visits to Dad in the hospital, buy look after the house and it's regular needs. If only she could let herself take a day off. She won't. I think the daily visits are the only thing that keeps her going sometimes.

Happy Birthday Dad. Although you didn't want anyone to make a fuss, we were so happy to see you. Daughter and I made a special trip in. It was so worth it.

May 16, 2006: Past Post...

We had a family meeting with the hospital today. It was mostly a update rather than a decision making meeting. Physio and Occupational Therapy are all very happy with Dad's progress. I asked about the goal of getting him to eat. That too is being looked at and they (the speech pathologist) would like to try some liquids. Dad's been unable to swallow the thickened liquid they want him to try. It's not because he can't swallow, he just can't stand the taste. No matter what you say, he spits it out.

They weren't able to say when he will go home. That's a good thing. As long as he's making progress then he will stay and learn as much as he can. Most likely we're looking at a September date for his return to home.

May 15, 2006: Past Post...

Sometimes you get great news.

Dad was able to stand up on his own for almost 10 minutes.

The best birthday present ever.

April 20, 2006: Past Post...

Things are coming along. Dad is improving with his ability to walk with the walker for assistance. It's been slow progress, but it's been for the most part, very steady.

He's recovered completely from the pneumonia. It just shows how easily someone in Dad's state can be debilitated. A lot of phlem from his lungs keeps coming up. Mom and I continualy remove it. His lungs sound almost free of any congestion.

The nurses have been great. As usual there are some hard working murses and some not so eager ones. Mom's gotten into her routine getting assistance from her sister (Aunt B) to get her down to Rehab Hospital at times. I get there at least once during the week and then once on the weekend.

April 8, 2006: Past Post...

Dad is working with physiotherapist and occupational therapist. They have him doing small things mostly working on upper extremities. They're building strength in his upper body so that when he sits and walks it will be in an upright manner rather than hunched over. Dad's working hard. He's glad for the work. I think the reduced medication is showing some results. I feel he's able to comprehend more.

April 3, 2006: Past Post...

Adjustment. Dad's upset because they haven't started any work. I explain that for the first while they need to observe and access him. He isn't happy at Rehab Hospital. He wants to go home. He wants to leave. Could I please take him home. According to Mom, the doctor for Dad has reduced the amount of medication. Mom's worried about the night time with him thrashing about and falling out of bed. Since it happenned 5+ times at old Hospital then surely it would happen here. His roommates are a handful at times. Lots of noise in the room. His wheelchair is large, heavy and clumbsy. They promise a custom built one for Dad soon.

March 28, 2006: Past Post...

Dad's new home. He says goodbye to old Hospital where he stayed for 5 1/2 months. He's on a new journey. I hope it will be bright.

The room is for 4 patients. Patient G has vocal outbursts. Really loud ones. It's quite disturbing. Patient T makes faces which cause me to look the other way. Patient E arrived the same day as Dad.

It's a full house. But not cramped like what I had seen when looking at nursing homes for Dad back in December. It's manageable.

The physiotherapist arrives to speak with the family and do preliminary evaluation of Dad. He asks about the house. What's the layout. Any stairs. He asks Dad to so a few things. But Dad is so weak from the pneumonia that it's painful to watch him not able to even take a few steps.

I'm worried they won't accept him anymore.

Dad settles in. I assure Mom we've brought Dad to the right place. I wonder if we have.

Rehab Hospital does things differently than old Hospital. We need to adjust.

March 24, 2006: Past Post...

Dad is to be transferred to rehab hospital on Monday. It's good news except Mom heard from another patients family member that Rehab Hospital is horrible. It's dirty, the patients sit in their own excrement for hours, no staff to help. She's already resistant to going. It'll also be a long journey for her to go on. Bus, subway and then streetcar to get there.

I'm happy he's got the chance to go. Otherwise the options are not great. It would mean he would have to head to a nursing home. The Rehab Hospital atleast will give him opportunity to retrain himself. He's had a bout of pneumonia. He's very weak. I hope they don't send him away before he's had a chance to show his potential.

Dad's worried that they won't have anything there for him. He wants assurance that there is a program in place. He needs to know that they have plans for him.

March 2, 2006: Past Post...

Called the Social Worker and explained. She confirmed that what ever was signed is not valid. She will call Brother and explain. I would love to have heard that conversation.

I guess this is a sign of how people feel. Last night I tried calling Aunt A to find out what was going on. I also called Aunt F but her husband and daughter hung up on me. I did speak to Aunt C who told me she knew nothing of what was going on and that Aunt A couldn't have been at the hospital that night to witness as it was her yoga night. Aunt C said she would call me back after making some phone calls.

I don't expect anything from them.

Note: I gave them $500 towards the acupressure treatments. They decided to stop the treatments in favor of acupuncture. They didn't tell me. I don't expect they will give me any money back. They all go to church regularly. I don't think it's helping. They need to pray much harder.

March 1, 2006: Past Post....

Mom gets a phone call from Brother. He says he has just gotten Power of Attorney for Dad and that Aunt A witnessed the document. He will get Dad acupuncture treatment this Saturday. Mom freaks out crying/wailing to me on the phone. "How could they do this, how could they do this". I find it incomprehensible that they want to be able to control Dad's medical destiny and yet leave Mom to clean up any mess. I try and calm Mom down. Tell her they can't possibly do it, although I don't know for sure.

I go online and find out about Power of Attorney for Canada and what are the requirements. Sure enough, the patient needs to specify the POA prior to admission to the hospital. If no POA is appointed then it goes to the wife automatically. Brother would need to take the issue to court to have Mom removed as POA.

I call Mom to tell her I will call the Social Worker at the hospital to let her know what's going on. I find this surreal. People can't really be doing this, can they?

February 27, 2006: Past Entry...

This is a recollection of what transpired since I officially was blogging. I had stopped blogging about Dad's situation because of altercations between Dad's side of the family and Mom.

Dad was getting acupressure treatment. It was going fine. One evening I get a phone call from Mom saying Brother is having Dad get acupuncture starting the next Saturday. Mom's all upset saying she doesn't think he's ready. She doesn't want to take the chance and have complications due to any infection or other issues that may arise.

Brother send an email saying Dad is to receive acupuncture this weekend and that the Aunts will arrange. No discussion.

Mom tells Brother she doesn't want it after speaking with me. I'm sure Brother took it that I convinced her otherwise. Mom sends email stating that she doesn't want it happenning.

Brother replies to email saying she is going against Dad's explicit wishes. Brother states that this is what Dad wants. She, as the Power of Attorney, should respect what he wants. I reply to Brother saying that Dad is not in any state of mind to determine what his medical needs are. The hospital has already made it clear that he cannot act on his own behalf. I call Brother an idiot.

This is family.

Why haven't I been posting?

Well, Dad is making progress. He's able to walk 30 or so steps with assistance (that's one holding him for stabililty behind and one infront to guide and another following up with a wheelcchair). His swallowing is still not strong enough to remove him from the feeding tube. He almost always talks of food (what to eat, can we order something now, recipes) and now he talks of going home. He wants to go home. He cries because he worries about Mom, his children, his grandchildren. He wants to call Mom as soon as she leaves. He still gets affected by the sedatives he's given. He's doing exercise classes (again with assistance) and is getting some work with a physiotherapist. His speech is improving. He can hold a conversation. He writes but it comes out as chicken scratch.

We continue with the acupressure, but it's a constant battle with Mom as she will blame any negative ailments of Dad on the acupressure. I'm tired of the battles. My life needs to be dealt with as well. I have a family and work that don't stop because of this. We've been dealing with this for 4 months now. I've put my family on hold until now. But I'm seeing the results. No one is happy. I have responsibilities as well.

I'm so tired and stressed. Is winter over yet?

Do people really think this way?

Dad's side of the family are pro acupuncture. Mom's indifferent verging on "this is crap". Brother is all about "alternative" medicine is the only way Dad is ever going to get better.

I believe in acupuncture. I've had it for my back, knees and shoulder. I've gone to the Chinese doctor for the herbs and other things that I don't want to know about.

Mom didn't want to continue the acupuncture (actually at this stage it's acupressure). Of course all of Dad's side, including brother, want the sessions to continue. I asked Mom to continue the session for me. I would like to see it through. She said if I wanted it then it was fine with her. She did ask that I be there for the session. I said okay. She said I trust you. With that said I feel an obligation to fulfill Mom's request. And I will.

One wonderful event that occurred was that Dad is being considered for long term rehabilitation instead of long term care (nursing home). The focus for him will be to provide him with the skills to be as independent as possible. This is great news.

I emailed brother to tell him about the rehab and the acupressure with respect to me being there. He said that the doctor only wanted my 2 aunts present at the most. Brother also said that if I go and the doctor doesn't return I'll know why. It sounds a lot like him talking to my mother and telling her if she doesn't do X Y and Z for Dad it will be on her conscious.

I wrote back that if the doctor chose not to return maybe it was because he was hesitant and leary of providing the service in a hospital. And by the way, just because the "doctor" says he was a neurosurgeon in a foreign country doesn't mean you were one. After all, I can't validate your claim.

I should have told him that perhaps this is why Mom doesn't want to talk to him. Perhaps this is why he gets the cold shoulder from every hospital staff he's ever come across. Perhaps I should have told him that he has no ability to function in society. Oh hell, I should have told him to piss off.

Time to reflect on the incredible progress...

I look back 3 months ago and recall where we were. At home, at the hospital for hours on end. Dad wasn't speaking. He quickly lost his ability to eat. He wasn't getting liquids orally. He wasn't able to go to the bathroom on his own. He deteriorated in a few days.

3 months later he's able to walk a few steps. He can speak a few sentences. It's exhausting for him, but he can do it. All this he's managed in the last 2 weeks. I'm hoping that the hospital will recommend a long term rehabilitation centre rather than a nursing home.

Mom too, has her good days and her bad days. As she says "I have no one to dump on except you". I take it, sometimes well, sometimes not so well. It's difficult see your mother/parent going through such turmoil that they can't even think any more.

We continue to hope and pray for continued progress.

Why do I bother...

Dad had an accupressure treatment on Saturday. From my observation it was very gentle, nothing invasive or destructive. Mom is already gearing up to accuse the accupuncture proponents of causing problems with Dad. She noticed that Dad is hanging his head low. I'm not sure what that means as I haven't seen it myself. She wanted me to call the sisters to find out what was done to him on Saturday. All she wants to do is cause a problem, not even giving the accupressure a chance. I went out on a limb for her, defended her to against my aunts and brother. If she wants to destroy the bridges that I've begun to build between the families then she can do that herself. I want no part of that behavior.

I'm ready to give up. I need some time for myself. I need some time with my own family. I've been stretching myself thin for the last 3 months. I want to take Dad home with me and walk away from all the fog that's clouding the air.

Back to work for the rest of us...

As the Christmas season draws to an end, it's back to work for the rest of us. I can't see Dad as often but I'll still manage some time during the week and on the weekend. Dad has made tremendous progress this week. He's working with the physiotherapist and is able to stand with some assistance. I helped get him in the bed and the nurse asked Dad to stand up. We didn't have much weight, mostly holding on him for balance. He's also speaking more. The flip side to more speaking is it's very frustrating for him (and us). He wants to and is trying to speak, but the words at most times comes out mumbled and garbled. He's using his right arm and hand more. He's gesturing with both hands. He's also responding to questions better and more often. I think he's starting to make some brain/body connections that he wasn't ready for before.

One thing that started happening was that he started crying. I was speaking with him and telling him about Daughter. I told him of the hockey game we went to. He was smiling and laughing. At one point his face changed and he started to cry. He put his hand over his eyes so that I couldn't see him cry and that he couldn't me seeing him. I've only ever seen Dad cry once before - when he told me he had cancer 20 years ago. I didn't tell Mom if that event. But it happened the next day with Mom in the room. Dad asked how Daughter was and then started crying. Mom thought is was awful. I think the opposite. He's letting out his emotions. He's displaying his emotions. I'd rather see him smile, laugh and cry than to see nothing at all.

Given that we've now past the 11 weeks point, Dad's made huge gains in the last 2 weeks. I keep reminding Mom of his progress. Mom can only ask if I think Dad will recover. Mom can only see the negatives. Look beyond that Mom and see all the positives. This is what Dad gave me.

Quiet conversation with Dad...

I had the wonderful pleasure of spending some time with Dad alone. Often when I go it's with Mom or there are other family members around.

Dad was able to (ans wanted to) be in a wheelchair. I took him on a small walk on the floor. We stopped by a quiet area and looked out the window to see the newly fallen snow. I have to admit I haven't really spoken with Dad in a few years. Beyond the usualy "hi how are things", "How are the kids", etc, I haven't spoken at a deeper layer for a while. I took this opportunity to connect.

I asked if he was comfortable. If he was having a good day. It seemed like he was moaning, but really he was trying to speak. It's just that the words in his head arent' making it past his mouth. He can't form the words physically in his mouth yet. He can say a few words, but one syllable words are what's most common. He kept shaking he head "no". What was he trying to say. Are you tired of all the fighting - yes. I told him I knew he was the peacekeeper between Mom and brother. I told him that I was trying to be the peacekeeper, but it was very difficult. He nodded. I told him that he granddaughter has taling it very hard. She missed him (this is brothers daughter). I know they shared a lot of special time together. I told him he needed to get better so that she can tell him all the things that she's been saving for him to hear. He nodded. I told him I was doing my best to look after Mom. She's holding it together, but it has not been easy to have your whole life turned upside down. He nodded.

He moved the arm that hasn't moved much in 10 weeks and stroked he head. That's great Dad, you're moving your arm. I said "I hope you're proud of me, I'm doing my best to hold everything together for you. I'm taking care of Mom so don't worry about her. The house is fine and I'll make sure the care gets taken out every few weeks. I'm trying to keep peace between Mom and brother. It's difficult. I hope I'm doing what you want". He turned his head to be and looked directly in my eyes. He nodded.

The conversation continued. I couldn't make out what he was saying. I wanted to know. I wanted to understand. He took my hand in his and placed it on his forehead. He was trying so hard to communicate. I wanted to jump into his brain and hear his words. I wanted to understand.

Dad is still all there, mentally. He knows what's going on. He knows about the fighting. He knows he needs to get better.

He will.